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 Subject :Things I Learned in the South..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Things I Learned in the South

Things I Learned in the South 

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple
no one’s seen before.

If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

“Jawl-P?” means “Did y’all go to the bathroom?”

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I’m fixing to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar.

Bakards [backwards] and forards [forwards] means I know everything about you.

The word “jeet?” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work
until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

“No, D’ju?” is a common response to the question, “Did you bring any beer?”

You measure distance in minutes.

You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain,
insect, or animal.

You know what a DAWG is.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony’s, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require
6 pages for local high school sports, motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a mite warm.

You know all four seasons: Snow Bird Season, Love Bug Season, Summer, and Hurricane Season.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as “goin’ Wal-Martin’” or “off to
Wally World”.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

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 Subject :This is for all my friends for whom grammar is still important:..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : This is for all my friends for whom grammar is still important:

This is for all my friends for whom grammar is still important:

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate
paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored
to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must
be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that,
you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can
perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged.  As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?"  "Your partner must say  '1-2-3-4,' he responded.
"But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took
a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"  Immediately, he
was the manliest of men.  His wife was excited and began throwing off her
clothes.And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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 Subject :For All You LEXOPHILES..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : For All You LEXOPHILES

For All You LEXOPHILES

13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

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 Subject :Husbands are husbands..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Husbands are husbands

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found
in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse
I betted on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man was watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even
bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'

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 Subject :EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,  God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything
going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking,
the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on
bushes. They're a real pain..'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs,
such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave
her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave
the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that
you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes  

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are
paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate
except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have
overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of
you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

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 Subject :June 2010 zips are now up......
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : Midi Songs
Topic : June 2010 zips are now up....

A busy month for me and just when everything was going so well my health stepped in and
I had to stop at high speed or go to hospital for a drip and fluid balance etc.

I did a couple of Piano Selections which I find very relaxing to do when feeling below par.

So

Here are the midi-karaoke files:

Alabama_1908_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                      34 KB    03/06/2010
Alice_OGrady_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                 20 KB    03/06/2010
Alma_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                         15 KB    08/06/2010
Arab_Love_Song_1908_ks_JPP.kar                                                                               18 KB    09/06/2010
Arent_You_The_Girl_I_Met_At_Sherrys_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                          21 KB    07/06/2010
At_Uncle_Toms_Cabin_Door_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     26 KB    01/06/2010
Be_Sweet_To_Me_Kid_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           22 KB    09/06/2010
Because_Im_Married_Now_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                       18 KB    09/06/2010
Billy_Baxters_Boogieman_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      13 KB    09/06/2010
Blondy_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                       22 KB    10/06/2010
By_The_Saskatchewan_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          22 KB    10/06/2010
Central_Give_Me_New_York_Town_1908_ks_JPP.kar                                                                24 KB    16/06/2010
Chummy_Chum_Chum_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                             29 KB    23/06/2010
Come_After_Breakfast_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                         21 KB    10/06/2010
Come_Along_My_Mandy_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          24 KB    09/06/2010
Do_Re_Mi_Fa_Sol_La_Si_Do_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     20 KB    16/06/2010
Fan-San_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                      28 KB    16/06/2010
Good_Advice_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  23 KB    03/06/2010
Harvardiana_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  17 KB    07/06/2010
Honey_On_Our_Honeymoon_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                       21 KB    13/06/2010
I_Dont_Like_A_Man_With_A_Mustache_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                            20 KB    13/06/2010
I_Love_My_Steady_But_Im_Crazy_1910_Al_Jolson_ks_JPP.kar                                                      18 KB    12/06/2010
Im_Going_Crazy_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                               19 KB    11/06/2010
Im_Going_To_Exit_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                             20 KB    12/06/2010
Im_In_Love_With_One_Of_The_Stars_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                             20 KB    03/06/2010
In_Mexico_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                    22 KB    11/06/2010
Iola_1905_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                         14 KB    13/06/2010
Ive_Got_A_Date_With_A_Dream_1938_ks_JPP.kar                                                                  13 KB    03/06/2010
Ive_Got_The_Time_Ive_Got_The_Place_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                           28 KB    02/06/2010
Karzan_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                       22 KB    17/06/2010
Lucia_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                        18 KB    12/06/2010
Mamselle_Sally_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                               24 KB    22/06/2010
Take_Good_Care_of_My_Baby_1961_Carole_King_ks_JPP.kar                                                         8 KB    13/06/2010
The_Big_Swamp_Bogie_Man_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      19 KB    01/06/2010
The_Billiken_Man_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                             18 KB    07/06/2010
The_Gridiron_King_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                            15 KB    21/06/2010
The_Pretty_Tyrolese_1906_de_Koven_ks_JPP.kar                                                                 12 KB    11/06/2010

and here are the midi files:

Alabama_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                                       28 KB    03/06/2010
Alice_OGrady_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                  16 KB    03/06/2010
Alma_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                                          12 KB    08/06/2010
Arab_Love_Song_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                                15 KB    08/06/2010
Arent_You_The_Girl_I_Met_At_Sherrys_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                           16 KB    07/06/2010
At_Uncle_Toms_Cabin_Door_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                      22 KB    01/06/2010
Be_Sweet_To_Me_Kid_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                            19 KB    09/06/2010
Because_Im_Married_Now_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                        14 KB    09/06/2010
Billy_Baxters_Boogieman_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                       10 KB    09/06/2010
Blondy_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                                        18 KB    10/06/2010
By_The_Saskatchewan_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                           18 KB    10/06/2010
Central_Give_Me_New_York_Town_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                 21 KB    16/06/2010
Chummy_Chum_Chum_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                              24 KB    23/06/2010
Come_After_Breakfast_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                          17 KB    10/06/2010
Come_Along_My_Mandy_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                           20 KB    09/06/2010
Danse_Des_Papillons_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                            7 KB    22/06/2010
Do_Re_Mi_Fa_Sol_La_Si_Do_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                      16 KB    16/06/2010
Fan-San_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                                       23 KB    16/06/2010
Good_Advice_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   19 KB    03/06/2010
Harvardiana_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   16 KB    07/06/2010
Honey_On_Our_Honeymoon_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                        17 KB    13/06/2010
I_Dont_Like_A_Man_With_A_Mustache_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                             16 KB    13/06/2010
I_Love_My_Steady_But_Im_Crazy_1910_Al_Jolson_s_JPP.MID                                                       15 KB    12/06/2010
Im_Going_Crazy_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                                16 KB    11/06/2010
Im_Going_To_Exit_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                              16 KB    12/06/2010
Im_In_Love_With_One_Of_The_Stars_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                              16 KB    03/06/2010
In_Mexico_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     19 KB    11/06/2010
Iola_1905_s_JPP.MID                                                                                          12 KB    13/06/2010
Ive_Got_A_Date_With_A_Dream_1938_s_JPP.MID                                                                   11 KB    03/06/2010
Ive_Got_The_Time_Ive_Got_The_Place_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                            23 KB    02/06/2010
Karzan_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                                        19 KB    17/06/2010
Lucia_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                         15 KB    12/06/2010
Mamselle_Sally_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                20 KB    22/06/2010
Nightingale_Rag_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                               19 KB    16/06/2010
Take_Good_Care_of_My_Baby_1961_Carole_King_s_JPP.MID                                                          7 KB    13/06/2010
Talk_Of_The_Town_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                              16 KB    17/06/2010
The_Big_Swamp_Bogie_Man_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                       15 KB    01/06/2010
The_Billiken_Man_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                              15 KB    07/06/2010
The_Cabaret_Girl_1922_Piano_Selection_Jerome_Kern_s_JPP.MID                                                  37 KB    24/06/2010
The_Gridiron_King_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                             14 KB    21/06/2010
The_Pretty_Tyrolese_1906_de_Koven_s_JPP.MID                                                                  10 KB    11/06/2010
The_Telephone_Girl_1898_Piano_Selection_s_JPP.MID                                                            44 KB    28/06/2010

roll on July 2010!

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 Subject :May 2010 zips are now up:..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : Midi Songs
Topic : May 2010 zips are now up:

A good month for me with rather fewer interruptions tha usual. And A happy day for me when
Rotary International gave me A Paul Harris Fellowship and I received a complementary membership
with the Guild of Pastoral Psychology; two organisations that have taken a lot of my time over
the previous months.

Here are the midi-karaokle files:


All_Aboard_For_Chinatown_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     26 KB    13/05/2010
Allez-Vous-En_Go_Away_1953_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                             9 KB    02/05/2010
Arabian_Moon_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                 23 KB    24/05/2010
At_Long_Last_Love_1937_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                                12 KB    01/05/2010
Beside_A_Babbling_Brook_1923_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      23 KB    23/05/2010
Beware_of_Pink_Pyjamas_1916_ks_JPP.kar                                                                       25 KB    13/05/2010
Bewitched_1941_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                    11 KB    29/05/2010
Birds_Of_A_Feather_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           24 KB    23/05/2010
Born_And_Bred_In_Brooklyn_1923_ks_JPP.kar                                                                    20 KB    22/05/2010
Broadway_Is_My_Home_Sweet_Home_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                               16 KB    16/05/2010
Can_Macy_Do_Without_Me_1921_Romberg_ks_JPP.kar                                                               11 KB    23/05/2010
Come_Over_To_Dover_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           24 KB    20/05/2010
Cootie_Tickle_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                20 KB    12/05/2010
Dancing_Neath_The_Irish_Moon_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                 24 KB    26/05/2010
Darling_1918_Romberg_ks_JPP.kar                                                                              15 KB    12/05/2010
De_Bogie_Man_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  9 KB    20/05/2010
Dear_Dixie_Girl_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                              23 KB    27/05/2010
Dixie_Rose_1913_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                   21 KB    19/05/2010
Do_I_Do_I_Do_I_Love_Her_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      26 KB    24/05/2010
Dont_Forget_Your_Northern_Lad_When_You_Get_Back_To_Dixie_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                     23 KB    06/05/2010
Down_By_The_Erie_Canal_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                       23 KB    26/05/2010
Down_By_The_Seaside_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          31 KB    26/05/2010
Down_Georgia_Way_1913_ks_JPP.kar                                                                             25 KB    28/05/2010
Down_In_Bom-Bombay_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           28 KB    07/05/2010
Down_In_Hindustan_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                            22 KB    07/05/2010
Down_On_The_Levee_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                            18 KB    07/05/2010
Dream_On_Dreamy_Eyes_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                         14 KB    27/05/2010
Every_Chicken_Likes_Style_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                    20 KB    29/05/2010
Everyone_In_Town_Likes_Mary_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                  26 KB    29/05/2010
Excuse_Me_Boss_I_Thought_It_Was_Mine_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                         20 KB    30/05/2010
Fifty-Fifty_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  23 KB    30/05/2010
Florabella_1916_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                   23 KB    30/05/2010
Gee_It_Must_Be_Tough_To_Be_A_Rich_Mans_Kid_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                   18 KB    16/05/2010
Gypsy_Song_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                   16 KB    31/05/2010
Hear_That_Steamboat_Whistle_Blowing_1913_ks_JPP.kar                                                          25 KB    17/05/2010
Heinze_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                       20 KB    28/05/2010
Hes_Living_The_Life_Of_Reilly_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                21 KB    20/05/2010
Hicki_Hoy_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                    25 KB    31/05/2010
Honey_Sal_1911_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                    22 KB    09/05/2010
I_Aint_Going_To_Mat-A-Loo-Loo_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                18 KB    09/05/2010
I_Am_In_Love_1952_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     12 KB    01/05/2010
I_Dont_Have_To_Go_See_A_Gypsy_1916_ks_JPP.kar                                                                19 KB    10/05/2010
I_Dont_Want_To_Play_In_Your_Yard_1894_ks_JPP.kar                                                             19 KB    09/05/2010
I_Love_Her_1913_Al_Jolson_ks_JPP.kar                                                                         26 KB    31/05/2010
I_Love_The_Name_Of_Dixie_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     26 KB    08/05/2010
I_Will_1962_Billy_Fury_ks_JPP.kar                                                                            11 KB    02/05/2010
Id_Rather_Have_Folks_Say_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     24 KB    09/05/2010
Ill_Be_Welcome_In_My_Home_Town_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                               28 KB    10/05/2010
Im_A_Tryin_To_Teach_My_Sweet_Papa_Right_From_Wrong_1918_ks_JPP.kar                                           29 KB    11/05/2010
In_Dear_Hawaii_1908_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                6 KB    29/05/2010
In_The_Still_Of_The_Night_1937_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                        15 KB    02/05/2010
Ive_Got_A_Lovely_Bunch_of_Cocoanuts_1944_ks_JPP.kar                                                          14 KB    29/05/2010
Ive_Got_Your_Number_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          19 KB    31/05/2010
Make_Someone_Happy_1960_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           15 KB    29/05/2010
My_Mans_Gone_Now_1935_George_Gershwin_ks_JPP.kar                                                             11 KB    01/05/2010
Nobody_Lied_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  32 KB    05/05/2010
Red_Wing_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                     16 KB    14/05/2010
Rita_Marguerita_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                              13 KB    31/05/2010
Rosalie_1937_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          12 KB    01/05/2010
Sahara_1919_Frederick_Bowers_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      22 KB    06/05/2010
Sparkling_Wine_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                7 KB    05/05/2010
Sweet_Daddy_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  23 KB    14/05/2010
The_Futurist_Twirl_1913_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           25 KB    30/05/2010
Too_Darned_Hot_1949_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                                   13 KB    02/05/2010
True_Love_Ways_1958_ks_JPP.kar                                                                               11 KB    04/05/2010
Twas_Only_An_Irishmans_Dream_1916_ks_JPP.kar                                                                 22 KB    16/05/2010

and here are the midi files:

All_Aboard_For_Chinatown_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                      22 KB    13/05/2010
Allez-Vous-En_Go_Away_1953_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                              7 KB    02/05/2010
Arabian_Moon_1921_s_JPP.MID                                                                                  20 KB    24/05/2010
At_Long_Last_Love_1937_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                                 10 KB    01/05/2010
Beside_A_Babbling_Brook_1923_s_JPP.MID                                                                       19 KB    23/05/2010
Beware_of_Pink_Pyjamas_1916_s_JPP.MID                                                                        21 KB    13/05/2010
Bewitched_1941_s_JPP.MID                                                                                      9 KB    29/05/2010
Birds_Of_A_Feather_1921_s_JPP.MID                                                                            21 KB    23/05/2010
Bolivar_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                       11 KB    17/05/2010
Born_And_Bred_In_Brooklyn_1923_s_JPP.MID                                                                     17 KB    22/05/2010
Broadway_Is_My_Home_Sweet_Home_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                13 KB    16/05/2010
Buck_Shots_1924_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    22 KB    17/05/2010
Camp_Custer_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   20 KB    06/05/2010
Can_Macy_Do_Without_Me_1921_Romberg_s_JPP.MID                                                                 9 KB    23/05/2010
Colonel_Bogey_1914_Vs3_s_JPP.MID                                                                             18 KB    21/05/2010
Come_Over_To_Dover_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                            20 KB    20/05/2010
Cootie_Tickle_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 16 KB    12/05/2010
Dancing_Neath_The_Irish_Moon_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                  20 KB    26/05/2010
Darling_1918_Romberg_s_JPP.MID                                                                               13 KB    12/05/2010
De_Bogie_Man_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   8 KB    20/05/2010
Dear_Dixie_Girl_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                               19 KB    27/05/2010
Dixie_Rose_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    17 KB    19/05/2010
Do_I_Do_I_Do_I_Love_Her_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                       21 KB    24/05/2010
Dont_Forget_Your_Northern_Lad_When_You_Get_Back_To_Dixie_1910_s_JPP.MID                                      19 KB    06/05/2010
Down_By_The_Erie_Canal_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                        18 KB    26/05/2010
Down_By_The_Seaside_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                           27 KB    26/05/2010
Down_Georgia_Way_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                                              20 KB    28/05/2010
Down_In_Bom-Bombay_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                            25 KB    07/05/2010
Down_In_Hindustan_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                             19 KB    07/05/2010
Down_On_The_Levee_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                             15 KB    07/05/2010
Dream_On_Dreamy_Eyes_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                          12 KB    27/05/2010
Eugenia_1973_Scott_Joplin.MID                                                                                19 KB    04/05/2010
Every_Chicken_Likes_Style_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                     17 KB    29/05/2010
Everyone_In_Town_Likes_Mary_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                   22 KB    29/05/2010
Excuse_Me_Boss_I_Thought_It_Was_Mine_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                          16 KB    30/05/2010
Fifty-Fifty_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   19 KB    30/05/2010
Florabella_1916_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    19 KB    30/05/2010
Gee_It_Must_Be_Tough_To_Be_A_Rich_Mans_Kid_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                    14 KB    16/05/2010
Gypsy_Song_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    13 KB    31/05/2010
Hear_That_Steamboat_Whistle_Blowing_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                           22 KB    17/05/2010
Heinze_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                                        16 KB    28/05/2010
Hes_Living_The_Life_Of_Reilly_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                 17 KB    20/05/2010
Hicki_Hoy_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     20 KB    31/05/2010
Honey_Sal_1911_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     18 KB    09/05/2010
Hot_Air_1900_s_JPP.MID                                                                                       18 KB    20/05/2010
I_Aint_Going_To_Mat-A-Loo-Loo_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                 15 KB    09/05/2010
I_Am_In_Love_1952_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                                      11 KB    01/05/2010
I_Dont_Have_To_Go_See_A_Gypsy_1916_s_JPP.MID                                                                 15 KB    10/05/2010
I_Dont_Want_To_Play_In_Your_Yard_1894_s_JPP.MID                                                              15 KB    09/05/2010
I_Love_Her_1913_Al_Jolson_s_JPP.MID                                                                          22 KB    31/05/2010
I_Love_The_Name_Of_Dixie_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                      23 KB    08/05/2010
I_Will_1962_Billy_Fury_s_JPP.MID                                                                              9 KB    02/05/2010
Id_Rather_Have_Folks_Say_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                      20 KB    09/05/2010
Ill_Be_Welcome_In_My_Home_Town_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                24 KB    10/05/2010
Im_A_Tryin_To_Teach_My_Sweet_Papa_Right_From_Wrong_1918_s_JPP.MID                                            24 KB    11/05/2010
In_Dear_Hawaii_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 5 KB    29/05/2010
In_The_Still_Of_The_Night_1937_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                         13 KB    02/05/2010
Ive_Got_A_Lovely_Bunch_of_Cocoanuts_1944_s_JPP.MID                                                           11 KB    29/05/2010
Ive_Got_Your_Number_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                           15 KB    31/05/2010
Make_Someone_Happy_1960_s_JPP.MID                                                                            12 KB    29/05/2010
My_Mans_Gone_Now_1935_George_Gershwin_s_JPP.MID                                                              10 KB    01/05/2010
Nobody_Lied_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   28 KB    05/05/2010
Palm_Leaf_Rag_1903_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                    14 KB    03/05/2010
Rag-Time_Dance_1902_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                   16 KB    03/05/2010
Red_Wing_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                                      14 KB    14/05/2010
Rita_Marguerita_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                               11 KB    31/05/2010
Rosalie_1937_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                                           10 KB    01/05/2010
Sahara_1919_Frederick_Bowers_s_JPP.MID                                                                       19 KB    06/05/2010
Something_Doing_1903_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                  16 KB    03/05/2010
Sparkling_Wine_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 6 KB    05/05/2010
Sweet_Daddy_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   20 KB    14/05/2010
The_Futurist_Twirl_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                                            21 KB    30/05/2010
Too_Darned_Hot_1949_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                                    11 KB    02/05/2010
True_Love_Ways_1958_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 9 KB    04/05/2010
Twas_Only_An_Irishmans_Dream_1916_s_JPP.MID                                                                  18 KB    16/05/2010

roll on June 2010

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: Attention! Bandwidth is running out after only one week..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Attention! Bandwidth is running out after only one week





Since that post my ISP has twiddled a knob and I now have more band width!

 

James :-)

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 Subject :Re: Attention! Bandwidth is running out after only one week..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Attention! Bandwidth is running out after only one week





Since that post my ISP has twiddled a knob and I now have more band width!

 

James :-)

IP Logged
 Subject :Attention! Bandwidth is running out after only one week..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Attention! Bandwidth is running out after only one week

Dear Everybody

 

I don't know why my site is so popular with you all but I am out of bandwidth after only 7 days!

Comments please if you can get in...

 

James :-)

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 Subject :The New Pastor..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : The New Pastor

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on...
You don't even  know the way to the Post Office!"

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 Subject :NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Russian arrives in  New York City as a new
immigrant to the  United States. He stops the
first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into
this country,  giving me housing, food stamps,
free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a
Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another
passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful
country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next
person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and
says, "Thank you for a wonderful  America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from
Middle East.  I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an
American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says,
"Probably at work."

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 Subject :watch and learn......
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : watch and learn....

Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a 
Rugby match at the World Cup in England.  At the station, the
three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's
buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn  bro," answers one
of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective
seats but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the
door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So
after the game, they decide to copy the Maori's on the return
trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Maori's  don't buy a ticket at
all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and learn  bro," answers a Maori ..

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby.  The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maori's leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says, "Ticket please."

IP Logged
 Subject :A case of Vice Versa..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : A case of Vice Versa

A famous heart doctor goes to give a lecture to a group of physicians
from out of town. As he going to the auditorium there he says to his
driver, “Ya know Jim, I really feel like the crap today, I wish I
could get out of giving this lecture and just sit and rest.”

Now Jim had been this doctor’s chauffeur for 10 years, and he had a
great relationship with the doctor. He say, “Hey doc… I could give the
lecture for you.”

The doctor chuckles and says, “Jim, I like you and everything and
you’re a great guy, but in all honesty, you don’t really know about
what I do.”

Jim responds, “You’re right, but I’ve been watching you give this
lecture for the last ten years, I have the thing memorized: I could
give it in my sleep! Plus, the doctors coming today are all from out
of town, they have no idea what you look like, so they would have no
idea I wasn’t you.”

The doctor really feels like shit, so he sits back, thinks for a
second, and says, “What the hell, I trust you, let’s do it.” So they
pull over to the side of the road, change outfits, and the doctor
drives the rest of the way to the lecture hall.

When they get there, a hundred prominent heart surgeons are sitting in
the auditorium, waiting for the lecture to start. The driver walks up
to the podium in the front, and the doctor sits in the back with the
driver’s hat on and looks around the room and thinks, “Oh god, what
have it done! All of these doctors are famous and could squash my
career if this lecture goes badly.” The driver gets to the podium,
coughs, looks around the room… and proceeds to give the lecture
absolutely PERFECTLY! He hits every major point in the lecture, talks
with eloquence and grace, and in general, gives the talk even better
than the doctor ever did.

The doctor breathes a huge sigh of relief and then lays back in his
chair and relaxes for the rest of the lecture. But then, as the
lecture finishes and the lights go back up, a lump catches in the
doctor’s throat as he realizes one thing: he had scheduled this
lecture with a question and answer session afterwards!

Among the visiting doctors, a couple of hands go up, and the doctor
looks on in horror as the driver picks the hand of the most prominent
heart surgeon in the entire country. He proceeds to ask the most
complicated, detailed, mind-bogglingly complex question the doctor had
ever heard after any lecture ever, and the room goes silent to see the
how the famous heart doctor will respond.

The driver looks down and is silent for a moment. The doctor sitting
in the back is petrified with fear; he knows there is absolutely no
way the driver could possibly know the answer to this question: his
career as a lecturer is over!

And then the driver looks at the surgeon that asked the question,
points to the back of the room, and says, “Sir, That question is so
ridiculously easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.”

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 Subject :Two Nuns.......
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Two Nuns.....

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.
One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful
on a hot summer evening?"


The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable
buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."


"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and
headed for the check-out.


The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack
of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package
of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

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 Subject :The Coat Hanger..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : The Coat Hanger

The Coat Hanger

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with
a fever.  She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.

She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.  She didn't know
what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told
her that the fever was getting worse.  She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to
open the door.'

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground,
possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.  She looked at
the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use this.'

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat-up old motorcycle
pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought,  'This is what you sent to help me?' But, she was desperate, so she was also
very thankful
.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.  She  said, 'Yes, my daughter is very
sick.  I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car.  I must get home
to her.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, 'Sure.'

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.   She hugged the man
and through her tears she said, 'Thank you so much! You're a very nice man.'

The man replied, 'Lady, I'm not a nice man.  I just got out of prison today.  I was in prison
for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.'

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out  loud, 'Oh, Thank you God!
You even sent me a professional!'

IP Logged
 Subject :THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL


1.           The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2.           Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3.           No meal is complete without leftovers.
4.           According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5.           A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6.           You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7.           One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8.           After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9.           Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand  times.
10.     Never take a  front row seat at a Bris.
11.     Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12.     Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13.     Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
14.     WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15.     Always whisper the names of diseases.
16.     If it tastes  good, it's probably not kosher.
17.     The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended
18.     Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19.     If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to  tell everybody what you paid.
20.     Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida

IP Logged
 Subject :Dating guide for the care and maintenance of your PHPB player..
CCB_DATE_FORMAT 
drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Dating guide for the care and maintenance of your PHPB player

Dating guide for the care and maintenance of your PHPB player.

A guide for those people who are considering dating/living with/marrying a member of the Perth Highland Pipe Band.


1. Introduction

Perth Highland Bandsmen (hereafter known as bandsmen) are becoming popular the world over with women seeking a relationship.
They are undergoing an upswing in popularity due to Malcolm MacLean's Christmas and Jakarta Highland Gathering videos, the band website, and for their public appearances in parades and competitions. Many women see a bandsman and just want one, or a friend gets one and thinks they too would like to have one. Being in a relationship with a bandsman can be a very rewarding experience but a bandsman is not for everybody and they do require a lot of care and attention. There is nothing worse than a bandsman who has been dumped by a woman who rushed into picking one up at a nightclub and then did not care for it. This information is provided for women who think they might want a bandsman or have just got one and need advice on care and maintenance. There is no perfect partner for a bandsman and people do have relationships with them without meeting every criterion.

2. Is a Bandsman the right partner for me?

Even the most experienced and dedicated band wives will tell you that their little gems have some difficult attributes! They require dedication and patience. A band partner should be able to cope not only with their bandsman but large numbers of other bandsmen that can congregate around their house. Bandsmen come with lots of equipment which gets scattered around the house and car so a partner has to be patient and organised to ensure that this gear is where he needs it when he needs it. Frequently you will have to sort gear that belongs to other bandsmen and you should be able to recognise this gear and see it gets to its rightful owner. A bandsman's partner will usually have a spare room or two dedicated to this equipment. It goes without saying that this gear needs to be transported. A large car and a driver's licence are essential. A most prized attribute would be a bus driver's licence so you can drive the whole band on their country trips. A good sense of humour comes in handy because the little cuties love to get up to mischief when they are together and there is alcohol involved, and there is always alcohol involved. A good band partner thinks Jakarta anecdotes are hilarious even after hearing them for the one thousandth time. She delights in bodily functions and discussions thereof. She finds the buttocks of other bandsmen very pretty especially when stuck out of a window at her after she has picked up the bleeding inebriated mess that she lives with. Laugh? She cacks herself!

It can be lonely too. The frequent travelling means that the bandsman's partner has to put plans for that romantic trip away on hold as the bandsman buggers off to Jakarta for an endless round of embassy parties and nightclub crawls with women who put out for money. The bandsman is a very dedicated artist who would much rather go on a 800km bus trip to 'perform' than spend time with you and the baby. When he returns he is usually 'emotionally drained' and needs care. So do his fellow bandsmen who come home with him and for some inexplicable reason happen to be single.

3. Feeding the bandsman

Diet is important. Experts recommend Emu Bitter and Guinness. For solids, curries are popular, also barbecues (steak and sausages). Some bandsmen enjoy haute cuisine and fine wines but not around other bandsmen.

4. Grooming

This can be time consuming as there are lots of bits and pieces that need wrangling and cleaning. One the positive side, a bandsman rarely wears underwear so that is one less thing to worry about.

5. Piper or Drummer?

This very much depends on the personal view of the individual. Drummers require more space for equipment but will not disrupt home life as they never practice. They also do not have to turn up early on parades for tuning and this can give you more time together. Pipers have greater earning potential as they get cash for solo gigs. This has an indirect benefit to the bandsman's partner as the piper generally will keep that money for piss drinking and will not hit you for a loan for a few days afterwards. In addition to extra turnouts they have to arrive earlier to tune up. Some pipers have been known to practice their pipes in between band practices but this is a rare affliction and can be checked for before purchase.

6. Puppy or Adult?

This is a difficult one. The Perth Highland is fortunate to have a reasonably steady supply of rosy cheeked virgins coming through from Scotch College Pipe Band. They can be very sweet but like all puppies there can be accidents, patience and a lot of love is required. Some women always go for the young bandsman feeling that they can train him, this is a very risky course to take and results can be very disappointing. While it is true that there are no noticeable behavioural differences between the 47 year old and the 17 year old bandsman (they all act 16 years old), partners of the older bandsman may notice that they create a little bit less mess and require less exercise. Young rosy cheeked virgins and other younger adult bandsmen can be very boisterous and do not seem to ever want to come home. A good rule of thumb is to look for a bandsman roughly your age.

8. Do they make a mess?

Yes, I am afraid they do. Sometimes it is really bad. See 9 below.

9. Are they prone to illness?

Yes, I am afraid they often pick up viruses when they travel. Symptoms include loss of coordination leading to nausea (or worse after Jakarta trips). Severe headaches and inability to handle light follow these symptoms. With care and nursing this passes until next time.

10. What about obedience training?

As a rule I have to advise against this. The bandsman in a domestic environment takes a lot of careful handling. For example, the wife of  third generation bandsman has done a lot of developmental work in this area. This wife reports that intensive training over a long period of time has led to some limited success in the domestic environment. Her specimen, has managed to gain some rudimentary skills that he seems willing to use when at home and away from all other bandsmen. She acknowledges, however, that all her work appears to come nought when her specimen mixes with other bandsmen. The specimen reverts in a matter of minutes back to the natural state of a bandsman when put into a kilt and sent out the front door. Her noble work continues as she has successfully bred from her bandsman. It is early days with her young son but indications are that the bloodlines are strong and she will need to release him into his natural habitat, the Perth Highland Pipe Band in the future. It would be cruel to do otherwise. Band partners can be encouraged by her success but a note of caution needs to be raised here. Some experts claim that domestically trained bandsmen, when released for a weekend back to their natural habitat and away from the domesticating influences of their partner often not only revert to their wild state but actually OVER COMPENSATE.

11. How do I meet one?

Made it so far and still interested? It is time to talk to breeders. Well it is easy to get in touch with a bandsman as they have their website (which you are reading) and contact details are available there. Attend a turnout and perhaps talk to some women who have band partners. They are aware of who is currently single and who isn't. Don't make the mistake of asking who the gorgeous hunk standing over there is - it might be their husband or partner and depending on how long they have been waiting around and what he has been up to they might reply with something along the lines of "Why don't you take the drunken shithead home then ". Band partners can be mischievous too.

12. How to catch your bandsman

Choosing a bandsman isn't easy to decide, they are all so adorable, but once you do choose a bandsman you like your troubles aren't over. You must be patient and willing to wait. Some women are encouraged by a very quick courtship only to find their bandsman escapes the next morning and leaves town back to Perth on the bus. The Bandsman is an elusive quarry, they seem so simple and yet are so complex. Such is the artistic temperament of the Perth Highland Thoroughbred. For starters it is very difficult to separate one from the pack. They have very powerful herding instincts and if a bandsman senses a predator moving in on a band member he will warn the herd with a witty riposte along the lines of "Hey X, I think the slapper over there is after you" This can be a bit disconcerting for a woman, but do not despair. Your prey will check you out and irrespective of whether or not likes you he will turn away whisper something to a fellow bandsman and they will both laugh out loud causing you more discomfort. Now the chase starts to get a bit tricky. If you persevere and show yourself to be an incredibly attractive good sport who does not drink but loves people who do and who's hobbies include driving long distances and spending weekends by yourself or occasionally with your partner and 16 other clones who ignore you, then you will get your very own bandsman eventually. The joys over having a bandsman in your life open up before you.

Good luck!

IP Logged
 Subject :King Arthur and the Witch...
CCB_DATE_FORMAT 
drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : King Arthur and the Witch.

King Arthur and the Witch.



Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by
the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed
him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch
offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if
after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.



The question?...What do women really want? Such a
question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll
everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court
jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a
satisfactory answer.



Many people advised him to consult the old witch,
for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was
famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no
choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question,
but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the
most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest
friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and
hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene
noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.



He refused to force his friend to marry her and
endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the
proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared
to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch
answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be
in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the
witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be
spared.



And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted
Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful
wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot,
steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But,
what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen
lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had
happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind
to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her
horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden
the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the
day.....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day,
a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a
hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him
to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.. BUT....make YOUR
choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make
the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be
beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her
be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly




IP Logged
 Subject :Not quite what I was expecting.......
CCB_DATE_FORMAT 
drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Not quite what I was expecting.....

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.


One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out
onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really?   Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot.   On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
through the fence into my flower garden.  So, I stand behind the fence with
my hedge clippers.  Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I
grab it and I say,  '$20 or off it comes!'"

"OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop.  "So, good luck.
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

IP Logged
 Subject :One item.......
CCB_DATE_FORMAT 
drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : One item.....

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you
bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did
you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
these!"

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with
those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

IP Logged
 Subject :Size Matters..
CCB_DATE_FORMAT 
drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Size Matters

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his
body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His
head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly staff sergeant who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my
tail to my balls.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had
received.

But the old  staff sergeant insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the staff sergeant to drop 'em,'
which He did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the staff
sergeant's penis and began to work back.

Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old staff sergeant calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

IP Logged
 Subject :Reporters Uggh!..
CCB_DATE_FORMAT 
drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Reporters Uggh!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington DC when he sees a little girl
leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside
to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose
with a powerful punch.


Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker
brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says,
'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and
tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page..

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads,
on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

IP Logged
 Subject :April 2010 zips are now up..
CCB_DATE_FORMAT 
drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : Midi Songs
Topic : April 2010 zips are now up

April 2010 zips are now up

Once again my bandwidth ran out a week before the first of the month.
I am not going to cough up any more money to keep this site going and
if it is worthwhile my loyal supporters will be happy enough to wait.
I'm paid up on this site now to 2012!

Here are the midi files:

Always_Look_On_The_Bright_Side_Of_Life_1979_s_JPP.MID                                                        10 KB    02/04/2010
Any_Old_Place_I_Can_Hang_My_Hat_1901_s_JPP.MID                                                               15 KB    18/04/2010
Arabian_Nights_1918_s_JPP.MID                                                                                17 KB    19/04/2010
Bethena_1905_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                          18 KB    06/04/2010
Bumble_Boogie_1946_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 14 KB    03/04/2010
Copacabana_1978_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    11 KB    01/04/2010
Dae-me_Um_Beijinho_c1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                            9 KB    23/04/2010
Dance_That_Dengozo_With_Me_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                    26 KB    14/04/2010
Dat_Lovin_Rag 1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 24 KB    30/04/2010
Deed_I_Do_1901_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     12 KB    30/04/2010
Drifting_Along_With_The_Tide_1921_Gershwin_s_JPP.MID                                                          9 KB    17/04/2010
Elite_Syncopations_1902_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                               16 KB    06/04/2010
Fig_Leaf_1908_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                         19 KB    07/04/2010
Fly_Me_To_The_Moon_1954_s_JPP.MID                                                                             8 KB    01/04/2010
Hamlet_Was_A_Melancholy_Dane_1902_s_JPP.MID                                                                  16 KB    09/04/2010
Hi_Lee_Hi_Lo_1923_s_JPP.MID                                                                                  30 KB    14/04/2010
Hindustan_1918_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     22 KB    30/04/2010
Hoo-Doo_Moon_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                                  11 KB    12/04/2010
I_Want_To_See_Old_Dixieland_Once_More_1921_s_JPP.MID                                                         18 KB    12/04/2010
If_Dats_Society_Excuse_Me_1900_s_JPP.MID                                                                     21 KB    18/04/2010
If_You_Dont_Change_Your_Living_Thats_The_Way_Youll_Die_1907_s_JPP.MID                                        20 KB    13/04/2010
Im_A_Looking_For_My_Ten_1905_s_JPP.MID                                                                       25 KB    09/04/2010
In_A_Birch_Canoe_1904_s_JPP.MID                                                                              20 KB    25/04/2010
In_My_Home_Town_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                               21 KB    12/04/2010
It_Will_Never_Be_Dry_Down_In_Havana_1920_s_JPP.MID                                                           24 KB    11/04/2010
Jimbo_Jambo_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   26 KB    28/04/2010
Just_Because_She_Made_Dem_Goo-Goo_Eyes_1900_s_JPP.MID                                                        24 KB    29/04/2010
Land_of_Cotton_Blues_1923_s_JPP.MID                                                                          17 KB    25/04/2010
Lets_Take_A_Trip_In_My_Aeroplane_1911_s_JPP.MID                                                              18 KB    28/04/2010
Listen_In_On_Lester_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                           23 KB    24/04/2010
Magnetic_Rag_1914_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                     21 KB    08/04/2010
Mister_Dooley_1902_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 17 KB    09/04/2010
Molasses_Candy_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                                16 KB    14/04/2010
Oh_How_That_Woman_Could_Cook_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                  20 KB    20/04/2010
Recess_Time_1911_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   16 KB    02/04/2010
Sal-o-may_1920_Robert_Stolz_s_JPP.MID                                                                        21 KB    17/04/2010
Spread_Yo_Stuff_1921_s_JPP.MID                                                                               12 KB    23/04/2010
Sun_Flower_Slow_Drag_1901_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                             19 KB    04/04/2010
Tango_Mad_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     24 KB    02/04/2010
That_Coontown_Quartette_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                       22 KB    08/04/2010
That_Woodland_Cabaret_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                                         26 KB    28/04/2010
The_Boomerang_1929_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 11 KB    14/04/2010
The_Cascades_1904_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                     16 KB    07/04/2010
The_Castle_Walk_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                               15 KB    23/04/2010
The_Chauffeur_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 16 KB    14/04/2010
The_Chrysanthemum_1904_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                17 KB    07/04/2010
The_Dixie_Rag_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 16 KB    19/04/2010
The_Entertainer_1902_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                  18 KB    07/04/2010
The_Marathon_ 1909.MID                                                                                       17 KB    24/04/2010
The_Messenger_Boy_1902_s_JPP.MID                                                                             14 KB    25/04/2010
The_Mississippi_Bubble_1902_s_JPP.MID                                                                        16 KB    23/04/2010
The_Moon_Shines_On_The_Moonshine_1920_s_JPP.MID                                                              13 KB    08/04/2010
The_Preacher_And_The_Bear_1904_s_JPP.MID                                                                     20 KB    24/04/2010
The_Strenuous_Life_1902_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                               18 KB    08/04/2010
The_Sycamore_1904_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                     15 KB    04/04/2010
When_Ireland_Comes_In_To_Her_Own_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                              14 KB    12/04/2010
When_Its_Night_Time_In_Little_Italy_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                           20 KB    12/04/2010
When_The_Yankees_Yank_The_Kaiser_Off_His_Throne_1918_s_JPP.MID                                                9 KB    30/04/2010
Willyum_Wilson_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                                33 KB    11/04/2010
You_Cant_Have_Your_Name_Upon_My_Door_1898_s_JPP.MID                                                          20 KB    19/04/2010
Youve_Got_A_Friend_1971_s_JPP.MID                                                                            13 KB    03/04/2010

and here are the midi-karaoke files:

Always_Look_On_The_Bright_Side_Of_Life_1979_s_JPP.MID                                                        10 KB    02/04/2010
Any_Old_Place_I_Can_Hang_My_Hat_1901_s_JPP.MID                                                               15 KB    18/04/2010
Arabian_Nights_1918_s_JPP.MID                                                                                17 KB    19/04/2010
Bethena_1905_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                          18 KB    06/04/2010
Bumble_Boogie_1946_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 14 KB    03/04/2010
Copacabana_1978_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    11 KB    01/04/2010
Dae-me_Um_Beijinho_c1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                            9 KB    23/04/2010
Dance_That_Dengozo_With_Me_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                    26 KB    14/04/2010
Dat_Lovin_Rag 1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 24 KB    30/04/2010
Deed_I_Do_1901_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     12 KB    30/04/2010
Drifting_Along_With_The_Tide_1921_Gershwin_s_JPP.MID                                                          9 KB    17/04/2010
Elite_Syncopations_1902_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                               16 KB    06/04/2010
Fig_Leaf_1908_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                         19 KB    07/04/2010
Fly_Me_To_The_Moon_1954_s_JPP.MID                                                                             8 KB    01/04/2010
Hamlet_Was_A_Melancholy_Dane_1902_s_JPP.MID                                                                  16 KB    09/04/2010
Hi_Lee_Hi_Lo_1923_s_JPP.MID                                                                                  30 KB    14/04/2010
Hindustan_1918_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     22 KB    30/04/2010
Hoo-Doo_Moon_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                                  11 KB    12/04/2010
I_Want_To_See_Old_Dixieland_Once_More_1921_s_JPP.MID                                                         18 KB    12/04/2010
If_Dats_Society_Excuse_Me_1900_s_JPP.MID                                                                     21 KB    18/04/2010
If_You_Dont_Change_Your_Living_Thats_The_Way_Youll_Die_1907_s_JPP.MID                                        20 KB    13/04/2010
Im_A_Looking_For_My_Ten_1905_s_JPP.MID                                                                       25 KB    09/04/2010
In_A_Birch_Canoe_1904_s_JPP.MID                                                                              20 KB    25/04/2010
In_My_Home_Town_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                               21 KB    12/04/2010
It_Will_Never_Be_Dry_Down_In_Havana_1920_s_JPP.MID                                                           24 KB    11/04/2010
Jimbo_Jambo_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   26 KB    28/04/2010
Just_Because_She_Made_Dem_Goo-Goo_Eyes_1900_s_JPP.MID                                                        24 KB    29/04/2010
Land_of_Cotton_Blues_1923_s_JPP.MID                                                                          17 KB    25/04/2010
Lets_Take_A_Trip_In_My_Aeroplane_1911_s_JPP.MID                                                              18 KB    28/04/2010
Listen_In_On_Lester_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                           23 KB    24/04/2010
Magnetic_Rag_1914_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                     21 KB    08/04/2010
Mister_Dooley_1902_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 17 KB    09/04/2010
Molasses_Candy_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                                16 KB    14/04/2010
Oh_How_That_Woman_Could_Cook_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                  20 KB    20/04/2010
Recess_Time_1911_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   16 KB    02/04/2010
Sal-o-may_1920_Robert_Stolz_s_JPP.MID                                                                        21 KB    17/04/2010
Spread_Yo_Stuff_1921_s_JPP.MID                                                                               12 KB    23/04/2010
Sun_Flower_Slow_Drag_1901_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                             19 KB    04/04/2010
Tango_Mad_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     24 KB    02/04/2010
That_Coontown_Quartette_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                       22 KB    08/04/2010
That_Woodland_Cabaret_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                                         26 KB    28/04/2010
The_Boomerang_1929_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 11 KB    14/04/2010
The_Cascades_1904_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                     16 KB    07/04/2010
The_Castle_Walk_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                               15 KB    23/04/2010
The_Chauffeur_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 16 KB    14/04/2010
The_Chrysanthemum_1904_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                17 KB    07/04/2010
The_Dixie_Rag_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 16 KB    19/04/2010
The_Entertainer_1902_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                  18 KB    07/04/2010
The_Marathon_ 1909.MID                                                                                       17 KB    24/04/2010
The_Messenger_Boy_1902_s_JPP.MID                                                                             14 KB    25/04/2010
The_Mississippi_Bubble_1902_s_JPP.MID                                                                        16 KB    23/04/2010
The_Moon_Shines_On_The_Moonshine_1920_s_JPP.MID                                                              13 KB    08/04/2010
The_Preacher_And_The_Bear_1904_s_JPP.MID                                                                     20 KB    24/04/2010
The_Strenuous_Life_1902_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                               18 KB    08/04/2010
The_Sycamore_1904_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                     15 KB    04/04/2010
When_Ireland_Comes_In_To_Her_Own_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                              14 KB    12/04/2010
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 Subject :Re: COST OF INSURANCE VARIES..
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R_JUNIOR
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : COST OF INSURANCE VARIES


what they did then ??? please tell the full story. I think it is necessary to do life insurance.

Life insurance Australia

COST OF INSURANCE VARIES

A man and his wife moved back home to Ontario, from Florida. The wife had a wooden leg
and to insure it in Florida was $2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Ontario, they went
to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure,
because it cost him $2000.00 in Florida! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple
and said, "Well, here it is on the screen. It says "Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler
system over it, is $39.00.



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 Subject :Materialism revisited..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Materialism revisited


A London bond trader parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his
colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes
off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions,
the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined.
No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your
life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit
you.'

The banker looks down in horror.

'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

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 Subject :oh yeh.......
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : oh yeh.....

My wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday
morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately
sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
I answered, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't
want some asshole using my stuff..."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another
asshole?"

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 Subject :TALMUDIC QUESTION..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : TALMUDIC QUESTION

A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the
Board of Trustees of Beyt Tikkun Synagogue (and frequently
published author in the pages of Tikkun) has brought the
following question to our community, and hopes that its best
Talmudic scholars might think more about it:
Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?

One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of
Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of
erecting a structure on the Sabbath. 

But another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds
pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the
week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach
(Passover) - along with all other agents causing things to
rise.

And what baracha (blessing) does one say before taking the
Viagra  pill?  There is a choice of three blessings:

1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - bless you God for straightening those who are bent; 

2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come; 

3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - bless you God for raising the dead.

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 Subject :Judas Asparagus strikes again!..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Judas Asparagus strikes again!

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness,
and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot
older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed
because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his
kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after
God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable.


God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top
Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My
teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on
the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.
He was born in  Bethlehem  in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too,
because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a
barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and
the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.
Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return
is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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 Subject :And they ask - Why I Like Retirement?..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : And they ask - Why I Like Retirement?

Question:  How many days in a week?
Answer:    6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday  

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer:    Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:   How many retirees to change a light bulb?  
Answer:     Only one, but it might take all day. 

Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer:     There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?  
Answer:    The term comes with a 10% percent discount.  

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?  
Answer:    Tied shoes.. 

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:     They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:  What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer:     NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to  clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer:       They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. 

Question:   What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer:      Normal  

Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer:    The never ending Coffee Break. 

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?  
Answer :    If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he  doesn't miss work, but  misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:    He is too polite to tell the whole truth. 

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer:    Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

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