James Pitt-Payne's Midi Website

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -
I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION –

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:

 "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT –

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY –

"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTION ISM –

"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA –

"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER –

 "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY –

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE –

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY –

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"
 
 My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that
way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
You are going to get it when we get home.

and my all time favorite thing--JUSTICE
"one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..
then you'll see what it's like."

Accident Reports

Many people who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what
happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The
following quotes were taken from these forms

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed
over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an
intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.

I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way
causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no
stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had
a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when
I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path
when it struck my front.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and
passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

The wife comes come early an finds her husband in their master bedroom making
love to a beautiful, sexy young woman!
 
"You unfaithful pig! How dare you do this to me, your faithful wife, and the
mother of your children! I am leaving and, I want a divorce!"
 
The husband, replies "Wait, wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen
to what happened"
 
"It'll be the last thing I'll hear from you, so make it fast."
 
The husband begins to tell his story:
 
"While driving home, I saw this young lady who was looking for a ride. She seemed
so helpless and desperate that I decided I would offer her a ride. Once she got
into the car,  I noticed she was very thin, and that her old clothes were filthy.
When I asked her if she had eaten, she mentioned that she had not had a meal in
three days.
 
I decided I couldn't just dump her back on the street, so I brought her home and
warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat
because you're afraid you'll gain some weight.

The poor thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was very dirty I invited her
to take a shower, and while she was showering, I decided to throw her ratty clothes
away and give her the pair of jeans that you've had for a few years, but that you
won't wear anymore because you think they make you look fat. I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary that you don't wear because you don't
think I have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas that you won't wear just to annoy your sister-in-law, and I also gave
her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
after you saw a co-worker wearing the same pair."
 
The husband continues his story . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and
as I went to show her out of the house, she turned to me with tears of gratitude and 
appreciation in her eyes and she asked me:
 
"Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board.
She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room
door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs
ironing, like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing.
She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared:

"You need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible
to get this thing's legs open."
"Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of Canadians tourists around Roebourne on their
way to Broome. He was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or
beast over land, through the air, and under the sea.

The Canadians were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the
middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line, while his left
leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The
left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack, and it has dents in every panel.
There are nine blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are three kangaroos
on the roof rack and six dogs on the front seat."

The Canadian tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"Goddammit, man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago!"

A few more words from the visionary Steven Wright

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Some Ruminations

Laugh and the world laughs with you, Slip and fall down a flight of
stairs, crash through a window into the street and get hit by a bus, and
the world laughs at you.  (Stephen Heister)

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?  Well, are we talking
about the Macarena, or lap dancing?  It makes a difference, you know.
(Caleb Ronsen)

I think unrequited love is the best kind, because you get all the
waiting, pining, longing, queasy stomach feelings without ruining it by
having to talk to the person, remember things about them, and apologize
after burning down their house.  (Graham Alig)

If you're thinking about killing one of your co-workers, you might as
well kill a random bunch of them so you can get out of a messy
discrimination lawsuit.  (James Floyd)

My vote for funniest name of a town is Babe Ridge.  I'm not sure where
it is, but those San Francisco radio traffic reports talk about it all
the time.  (Larry Hollister)

You really have to have planned *way* ahead for New Year's 2000.  While
my friends are at some lame party, I'll be getting down with the Bee
Gees at Studio 54.  (Bob Van Voris)

If the world was made entirely out of Jell-O, would you hope for an
earthquake?  (Bobby Baldwin)

Even though it smelled just like tuna, the cat food salad sandwich was a
major disappointment.  (Scot Sullivan)

I don't know about you, but if I go to summer camp and people start
dropping dead left and right, then I'm sure not gonna have sex with
Tommy Masterson in the old abandoned pool house.  (Lindsay Acord)

If I die in a car accident, I hope there's a good song playing on the
radio.  'Cause I'd hate to spend eternity with "Mambo No. 5" running
through my head.  (Colleen M. Morrow)

While looking at the huge McDonald's Cajun McChicken Sandwich sign in my
bedroom (the one I stole from the local McDonald's), I realized that
life wasn't about stealing and vandalizing major fast food corporations'
property, but about the small things, like family.  (Rob Ahnemann)

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a plectopylidae, not a subulidinae!"  And *that*, my
friends, is why an all-mollusk version of Star Trek will never work.
(J.P. Styskal)

Haiku is useless.
Nobody can make their point
In so damn few words.  (Chris Walker)

Luckily, a clueless person's cluelessness protects them from the pain of
realizing that they are indeed clueless.  (Christine Moyer)

Next time my cat sneaks up on me in a dark alley, sticks a gun in my
ribs, and takes off with my car, I'm going to have a little talk with
him about boundaries.  And no more Fancy Feast.  (Dakota Shepard)

If I were a millionaire, I'd buy $500 worth of pudding and then I'd roll
around in it until I was covered from head to toe, then I'd walk around
saying, "Ahrg, ahrg, I am the pudding monster!!"  Only I bet the pudding
wouldn't stick very well, so I'd have dogs following me, eating the
stuff that drips off, so I guess I better not use chocolate pudding or
there would be a lot of sick dogs in my neighborhood.  (Stephanie Allen)

When I talk to my dog, it seems like he can really understand me -- like
we're interacting on the same level, as if he were almost human.  Then
he eats cat poop out of the litter box and screws up the whole
illusion.  (Contessa)

If only I could develop a taste for snot, I'd be a much happier man this
time of the year.  (Shawn Walker)

If you have a pimple on the end of your nose, don't tell your boyfriend
you feel like Rudolph, because that'll be your nickname for the rest of
the day.  (Debbie Jackson)

Wouldn't it be terrible if a bunch of aliens came down to Earth and
inhaled its atmosphere and exhaled methane instead, then ate our
vegetation before turning into steaks and shoes and Italian sofas and
... No, wait.  Those are cows.  Never mind.  (Nicki)

You know, grandparents are happy with the stupidest things:  macaroni
picture-frames, Popsicle stick coasters, Play-Doh ashtrays.  But just
mention a Guns 'n' Roses theme wedding and it's bye-bye, inheritance.
(Dakota Shepard)

Quoth the raven, "You talkin' to me?"  (Jim Goldman)

Six of one, half a dozen of the other ... that's twelve, right?  I'm
just saying, they seem to be making it twice as complicated as it needs
to be.  (Jonathan Colan)

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."  I feel that way
after a bowl of chili.  (Jamie Bronstad)

In this world of trouble, I sometimes wish I didn't know now the things
I didn't know when I was young.  Then I realize, hey, maybe I already
don't!  (Brian Jones)

Late to bed, late to rise.
Planning the early bird's demise.  (Chuck Ivy)

When I hear someone say they give "110%" to whatever they're doing, it
makes me feel good inside -- because I know I'm not as big a moron as
that person is.  (Jim Rosenberg)

It's not whether you win or lose -- it's the amount of money and
material possessions you have that you can use to make others feel
hopelessly inadequate.  (Tom Sims)

Dan's Law:  Anytime you catch yourself thinking, "Man, I can't believe
I'm getting paid while I'm doing this!", your boss is about to walk in.
(Dan Beavers)

When someone asks me why, as a Jew, I can't just celebrate Christmas
like everybody else, I tell them that according to my penis, I've got a
contract with God not to celebrate such things.  And I ALWAYS listen to
my penis.  (Jonathan Colan)

I sure wish my feminine side had breasts.  (Lowell Larson)

Sometimes I just want to scream, "Get your hands off of me!!  I was
going to pay for that!  I was just holding it in my coat!"  Friggin'
security guards.  (Todd Loushine)

If you kill your boss, be sure to do it in a back alley, 'cause it's
pretty hard to dispose of a dead body in a 5x7 cubicle.  (Brian
Cunningham)

Stupid people on the roads are the number one cause of my getting pissed
off on the way to work.  (R.M. Wiener)

Sometimes I think I'd like to kidnap Mr. T. and tie him up in a sack in
the back of my car.  But I drive a station wagon, so everyone would see
the big Mr. T.-shaped sack and I'd get in trouble.  So I usually just
make some soup instead.  (Dan Johnson)

If you're like me, you're not too concerned about this Y2K thing.  Also,
you're sipping coffee in New Jersey as you type in a Rumination you want
to submit.  (Matt Diamond)

I used to be scared of dogs.  Then I realized that dogs are just as
scared of me as I am of them; they just show it differently.  They show
it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by soiling myself.
(Dakota Shepard)

It doesn't depend whether the Top 5 List is good or bad, what matters is
that I'm not one of the contributors when it sucks.  (Mark Schmidt)

Making little dolls from lollypops is fun, except they all look like
Calista Flockhart.  (J. Tomato)

Next Earth Day, I think I'll plant a tree.  Maybe then people will stop
thinking of me as the maniac with the chain saw who destroyed our
neighborhood park.  (Dave Brennan)

Features in cars are getting too frivolous and stupid.  For instance,
why would I want my cruise control to print my Resume?  (Bob Roth)

When making a speech in front of lots of people, remember the only thing
you have to fear is fear itself.  That, and electrocuting yourself if
you wet your pants.  (Paul Paternoster)

Hey, Buddy -- we only have one sun, so how's about you turn off that
solar-powered calculator when you're not using it, okay?  (Matt Diamond)

I'd like to send a picture of myself to some distant star, thousands of
light-years away, because by the time the aliens realize I'm mooning
them, I'll have been dead for centuries.  (Jeffrey Lampert)

What would *really* be scary is if the new millennium started on Friday
the 13th.  (Todd Loushine)

If I could only ask God one question, it would be Which came first, the
chicken or the egg? because, dammit, it's about time people learned the
truth!  (Kirk Reuter)

Have you ever had one of those dreams involving your grandmother, a
colostomy bag, and a garden?  Me, either, but just imagine the
possibilities!  (Anderson Reggio)

Did you ever notice how many famous people whose name begins with "J"
are dead?  John Kennedy, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Jimi
Hendrix, John Belushi ... it's truly frightening.  But since my name
begins with "B", and getting this published is as close to famous as I'm
ever going to get, I figure I'm pretty safe.  (Bill Strider)

If you ever find yourself about to become embroiled in a web of lies and
deceit, you should go for it, 'cause a chance like that may not come up
very often.  (Fischer West)

After the meek inherit the earth, we should just kick their butts and
take it from them.  (Jim Rosenberg)

I've been thinking about all my cool electronic gadgets, and how they've
never brought me real happiness.  I guess it's because I don't have
enough of them.  (Matt Diamond)

When I got arrested, they told me, "Anything you say will be held
against you."  I said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs."  (The Covert Comic)

A bird in the hand is worth nothing ... unless it happens to be a
Spotted Owl.  Then I bet you could sell it to an animal rights group for
pretty tidy sum.  (Michelle Argabrite)

Things NOT to say to the nice police officer

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!  Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop!  No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer!  That's terrific!  The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there is no other car around -
that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?"  You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and
got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9mm?  That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Whatever you do, don't search my trunk

What exactly is "legally drunk"?

So, what's a good bribe go for around here?

Do you know where I can buy a good radar detector?

If you think this car's fast wait until you see my corvette!

Can you just put that ticket in the large box in the back seat with the rest of my tickets?

Boy I'm surprised your hear dunkin doughnuts is having a 3 for 1 sale

Can you hurry up your wife is expecting me

Can you hurry up the liquor store closes in five min.

No I don't know how fast I was going the speed guage stops at 110.

Man and woman....

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering
the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

NZ Football Quotes

"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Jono Gibbs - Chiefs

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Rodney So'ialo - Hurricanes - on University

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."
- Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to
Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
- Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

Kevin Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker."

David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son, what is it with
you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.'

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150
or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."

"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Murray Mexted)

"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(Ma Nonu)

"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."
(Murray Mexted)

"We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored."
(Phil Waugh Warratah)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Jerry Collins)

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical."
(Tony Brown)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Tana Umaga)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious."
(Doc Mayhew)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Anton Oliver)

"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are
none better."
(Murray Mexted)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for
that prat."
(Ewan McKenzie)

 Moscow - Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for the bizarre death of a
chess player whose head literally exploded in the middle of a championship game. No one
else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and three officials at the Moscow
Candidate Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed with blood and brain matter when
Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart. Experts say he suffered from a condition called
Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis or HCE.

"He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says Titov's opponent,
Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a sudden his hands flew to his temples and he screamed in pain.
Everyone looked up from their games, startled by the noise. Then, as if someone had put
a bomb in his cranium, his head popped like a firecracker."

Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has spontaneously exploded.
Five people are known to have died of HCE in the last 25 years. The most recent death
occurred just three years ago in 1991, when European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst.
Miss Nicole's story was reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN.

"HCE is an extremely rare physical imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko,
famed neurologist and expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the
brilliant chess expert. "It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain become
overloaded by the body's own electricity.

The explosions happen during periods of intense mental activity when lots of
current is surging through the brain. Victims are highly intelligent people
with great powers of concentration. Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense
people who tended to keep those cerebral circuits overloaded. In a way, it
could be said they were literally too smart for their own good."

Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he
hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most people who have it will
never know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know much about HCE.
And since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years before research
money becomes available." In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it
easy and not think too hard for long periods of time.

"Take frequent relaxation breaks when you're doing things that take lots of mental
focus," he recommends. (As a public service, WWN added a sidebar titled
"How To Tell If Your Head's About To Blow Up:) Although HCE is very rare, it can kill.

Dr. Martinenko says knowing you have the condition can greatly improve your odds
of surviving it. A "yes" answer to any three of the following seven questions could mean
that you have HCE:
1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can indicate
overloaded brain circuits.)
2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? (It could be the sound
of electricity in the skull cavity.)
3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head? (This is a
possible sign of too much electrical activity in the cerebral cort ex.)
4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your checkbook, or other
thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of HCE is a tendency to over-use the brain.)
5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples? (Friends of
people who died of HCE say the victims often complained of head pressure in times of
strong emotion.)
6. Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts, and other sweets? (A craving for sugar is
typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the cranium.)
7. Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (HCE sufferers are often introspective,
"over-thinking" their lives.)

There are these race horses staying in  a stable.  One of them starts to boast about
his track record. "In the last 15 races I've won 8."

Another horse breaks in:  "Well in the last 27  races, I've won 19!!"
" Oh thats good, but in the last 36 races I've one 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point they notice that  greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.
"I don't mean to boast", says the greyhound "but in MY last 90 races I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow", says one, after a hushed silence,"A talking dog."

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked
and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before
the whole orchestra, he said,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help,
they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:  "And if he can't handle even
that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the
doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually,
the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually
perverted.

"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.
"Well," said the woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm
sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."

"Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand
these problems. So what's the matter...?"

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned
bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a
bright idea. "Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me
what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?"

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a
fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, "Well my perversion is...
My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!"

"Shit, is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all
your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!"
So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets
down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on
the bum."

Anyway, fifteen minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around
the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet
up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.

"Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?"
"Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag."

Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to
transcend dental medication.
  

Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions
that require a simple yes or no answer.
 

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of
your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that
bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right
now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.
  

There was a young dentist named Sloan
who catered to women alone.
In an act of depravity,
he filled the wrong cavity, and said,
"My, how my business has grown!"
  

A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put
my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity.
  

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie...
  

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $90.00. Patient:
$90.00 for just a few minutes work??? Dentist: I can extract it very slowly
if you like.

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people.
Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that
he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke
to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic
of sounding like "HONDA."

The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop
this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather
embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the
doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would
just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third
doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he
visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of
any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said,
"Ah, there's the problem..."
"What is it?" the man asked.
"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.
"An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.
"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows...
Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

A Nutty Story

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight,and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me.   One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough,he heard,  "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,hobbling along.  "Come
here quick,"said the boy,  "you won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the
Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid,  can't you see it's hard for me to walk."  When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the
fence they heard,
"One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered,  "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.  Let's see if we
can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were
still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter
and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.   At last they heard,
"One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence
and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Hospital notes
 
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
                                
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
                                
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
                                
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
                                
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
                                
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
                                
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
                                
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
                                
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
                                
10. The patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
                                
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40
pound weight gain in the past three days.
                                
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
                                
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
                                
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
                                
15. She is numb from her toes down.
                                
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
                                
17. The skin was moist and dry.
                                
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
                                
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
                                
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
                                
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
                                
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
                                
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
                                
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
                                
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
                                
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
                                
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
                                
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
                                
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
                                
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
                                
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Not long after the marriage, Tom and his father met for lunch. "Well son,"
asked the dad, "how is married life treating you?"

"Not very well, I'm afraid. It seems that I married a nun."

"A nun??" his father exclaimed.

"That's right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg."

The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back. "Why don't
we all get together for a nice talk tonight?"

Tom's face brightened. "Say Dad, that's a great idea."

"Fine. I'll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

How To Handle Older Women

My name is Ron..... Let me explain how I handle the situation with my wife, Julie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a
full-time job for the extra income. Shortly after she started working I noticed
she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get back from the Golf Course just before she gets home from work.
Although she knows I'm hungry, she always has to rest for half an hour or so
before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to wake me
when the dinner is on the table.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we'd finished eating. Now, they sit on the
table for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her that,
"They won't clean themselves". I know she appreciates this, as it does motivate
her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she has gotten older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make
another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this, unless I need
something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling.

Also, if I've had a day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a
mess, so I let her clean them. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk
for her. Women are delicate and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say it's difficult
to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em
for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch
it out over 2 or even 3 days! That way she won't have to rush so much.

She even complains of having to carry heavy groceries from the supermarket. I have
told her, if the shopping's heavy, make 2 trips.

I also remind her that missing lunch now and then wouldn't hurt her (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had
to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make
a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade, and one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying
that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some
will find it impossible.

Guys, if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing this was well worth while.

Signed, Ron.

UPDATE:
Ron died suddenly last Thursday. He was found with a extra long 50 inch Big Bertha
Driver rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of the grip showing. His wife
Julie was arrested, but an all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he
accidentally sat on it, and died.

Martial Arts Lessons

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow. The smaller guy
looks at the first guy, grabs him by the arms and neck, and says "That's a choke-hold
in Judo." and lets go.

The first guy, figuring that the little guy is just a bit drunk, lets it slide. Two
minutes later, he finds himself in another painful hold, and the little fellow says:
"That's a secret bracing hold in Karate."

Now the guy is getting a little steamed, but he lets it pass. Five minutes later,
the little fellow jumps on him again, and puts him in another painful and compromising
position. He says "That's a Death Move in Tae Kwon Do."

Now the guy is angry and quickly leaves the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back into the bar, and the little fellow is still at the
bar, waiting for another drink.

The guy walks up to him, and before the little fellow can move, he lunges at him,
his arm flying out from behind his back. The little fellow falls off of his stool,
and is out cold.

He turns to the bartender and says, "That was a monkey wrench from Sears!"

Parrot Prostitutes

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and
the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.
Wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two
female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom
I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two
male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman
put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said,
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads
away, our prayers have been answered!"

Strip Club Treat

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling. His wife thinks
he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she decides to take him to
a strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife puzzled, asks if he's ever been here before?

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, the waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "Are you sure you've never been
here before?".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey,"
she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife is furious and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her
getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her, but
she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

One Day In Basement

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, "If you can sit in my basement for a
day I'll give you free beer forever."

So the first man says, "Easy. I can do that."

But he walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of
flies in there."

So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than 10 minutes. Finally the
third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it.

He said, "Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
 
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
 
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'
 
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
 
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
 
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
 
Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
 
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
 
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
 
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
 
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
 
'What's that?'
 
'Have you farted yet?'
 
'No.'
 
'Well, don't, 'cos I'm in Perth.'

Go placidly amid the politics and the decision making, and remember what peace
there may be in the silence of your own office. As far as possible, do
not believe in miracles but learn to rely on them. Listen to others, even
the dull and ignorant, for they too have inside information.

Avoid ambitious and efficient persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If
you cannot convince others, endeavor to confuse them, for always there will
be persons less sure of themselves than you. Enjoy your government car as
well as your travelling allowance.

Keep interested in you career, and take notes of other persons' mistakes,
however humble, for they can be a real possession in the changing fortunes
of time. Exercise caution in your affairs, for the service is full of
trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is in giving
verbal orders, and never write anything down that might be held against
you.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection for the job. Neither be
cynical about Departmental red-tape; for in the face of all trends and
indicators it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly to the counsel of
the years, gracefully shedding your naivete. Nurture strength of spirit to
shield you from departmental cutbacks. But do not distress yourself with
imaginings. Many fears are born of over-work and exclusion from important
meetings. Beyond a wholesome salary, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the Government, no less than the electors and the
parliament; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to
you, no doubt the structure is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at
peace with your superiors, whatever you perceive them to be. and whatever
your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of Departmental life,
keep pace with your co-workers.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, the service still provides
regular pay. Be seen with the right executives. Strive to look important.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River .

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real
duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter
from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever
seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.)
in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry
Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment
of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Every minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

The horizon swallowed the setting sun like a dog sucking an egg, but not quite.

Too stupid

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?"
......"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."
No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."