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 Subject :Some sound advice.....
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Some sound advice...

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in it's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog
could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the  lady that if she wanted
to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.  The lady goes to the drug store
and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register  the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms
don't use deodorant for a few days.."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on
my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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 Subject :Who's kidding who......
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Who's kidding who....

After all passengers are onboard, the pilot and co-pilot arrive at the
aircraft and walk up the aisle.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is
tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads
through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the
engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around,  searching for some sign
That this is just a little practical joke.  None is forthcoming. The plane
starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in
the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge
of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plan will plow into the water,  panicked
screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the
air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat
into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good
hands.  In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna die.'

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 Subject :The International Council of Man Laws...
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : The International Council of Man Laws.

The International Council of Man Laws.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your
girlfriend.

10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model, and
only when it's free.

11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

19. It's the morning after you and a girl - who was formerly 'just a
friend' - have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling
weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
yellow, orange or sky blue.

22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 or a
Playstation. End of.

23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

24. Never wear a man bag to work.

25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say, 'You're next, fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws

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 Subject :Some Antics......
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Some Antics....

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation
would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every
move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to
say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife,
the word is 'sternum.'"

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 Subject :Value For Money..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Value For Money

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with
a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a
sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George
brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come
to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open
just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in,
swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of
$25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can
buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't
believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George,
pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

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 Subject :No Match for Big White Carstairs.....
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : No Match for Big White Carstairs...

Ralph was excited about his new rifle and decided to try
bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown
bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his
shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake... that
was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices... Either
I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly,
Ralph decided to accede to the latter alternative.

So the black bear has his way with Ralph. Even though he felt
sore for two weeks, Ralph soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found
the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a
huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said,
"That was a big mistake, Ralph. That was my cousin and you've
got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Ralph thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly
bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with
Ralph.  Although he survived, it took several months before Ralph
fully recovered.

Now Ralph is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down that grizzly bear and shot it. He felt
sweet revenge, but then, moments later there was a tap on his
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing here.

The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Ralph,
you don't come here for the hunting, do you ??

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 Subject :Some Definitions for you.....
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Some Definitions for you...

Brief Survey: Deciding which pair of shorts to wear on your big date (Stan Kegel)

Adventure: Investment in commercials.  (Joseph Leff)

Buccaneer: The cost of a two-dollar pair of earrings.  (Lederer & Ertner) 

Sauce: What happened when my wife returned early.  (Tim Breuning)

History: What mama snake tells baby snake at bedtime (Cynthia MacGregor)

Horizon: Call girl getting up in the morning (Naughty Rose)

Condom: To swindled them  (Stan Kegel)

Attenuate:  You had a really late supper. (Joseph Leff)

Gestation: Train stop for punsters (Stan Kegel)

Antecedent:  My mother's sister notices I had damaged her car. (Lars Hanson)
          
Contract: To follow the prisoner  (Stan Kegel)

Astrosphere: George Jetson's dog's ball. (Kim Soriano)
 
Cotton: 2,000 pound bed.  (Tim Breuning)

Gloomy: Make me adhere to something (Cynthia MacGregor)

Alienation: A foreign country. (Joseph Leff)

Geometry: Whast an acorn says when it grows up (Paul Dickson)

Asleep:  A donkey's jump. (Joseph Leff)

Toothache:  The pain that drives you to extraction. (Curly David)

Nursery: A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit. (Douglas
Helsel)

Primate:  Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. (Edward Thompson)

Adultery: A fully-grown tree. (Stan Kegel)

Derided: What the cowboy is after he is thrown from the bull. (Gary Hallock)

Serendipity: A Knight who stopped sad situations from continuing. (Tim Breuning)

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 Subject :Groaners......
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Groaners....

GROANERS:

Sarah felt bored and unsatisfied, even though her job as a nurse's aide
included helping patients and keeping track of the billiards equipment in
the recreation room at the Venereal Disease Treatment Center, and she
wondered what her mother had been thinking all those years when she
repeatedly told her that a young lady should mind herpes and cues. (Brad Jolly)

If you want to contact someone in the Country Music industry, you send your
mail to Nashville. If you want to talk to Motown, you naturally send your
mail to, well, Motown (Detroit, for non-US participants). But the Doo-Wop
music of the '50's, it appears, was headquartered in a little hill town in,
well, it was hard to find it. This was rectified in 1963 with the
introduction of the USA Zoning Improvement Plan (ZIP codes)... thereafter
it was easy to send mail to these guys, by using the "ZIP o' de Doo-Wop".
(Bob Dvorak)

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The
homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first
officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a
doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one
covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're
right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar,
"this is the work of a cereal killer." (MyStacy)

John hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this
latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he
approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like
Helen Brown." "Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in
blue either!"(John Steen)

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and
shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you,
your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda." (Curly David)

The divorce court was attentive as the wife complained to the Judge that
her husband had left her bed and board. When she had finished, the
husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a
slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims
that he left her bed 'bored'." (Jill's Joke Line)

After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spit it
out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney's
desk, the man snarl, ""Here they are!" "Here are what?" the startled lawyer
asked. "Grounds for divorce." (Naveed)

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" (Naveed)

The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his
teeth. "Oooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the
little thread did its work. Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his
wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick. Bewildered, the
husband demanded, " What was that for ? I'm sorry, " his wife replied
stiffly, "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers." (Tyler Kaus)

The budding director was sitting alongside the veteran as he was
auditioning promising young performers for an upcoming variety show. The
young learner was amazed at how many different ways this old timer could
terminate a performance! There was the chop across the throat, the upraised
face and hands, and many many more! When the young man commented on it
after the auditions, his mentor said "Well, son, when you get to my age you
learn that there is more than one way to can a skit". (Jelsy)

My ten-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We
checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off. Trying to lighten the
moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for
half a tooth?" "Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth, the whole
tooth, and nothing but the tooth." (Pastor Tim)

Police are investigating the murder of Juan Gonzales. It looks as if he was
killed with a golf gun," one detective observes. "A golf gun?" asks his
partner. "What in the world is a golf gun?" "I don't know," the detective
answers, "but it surely made a hole in Juan." (Gail S. Angel)

A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the
collector asked the owner of the tannery. "Business has been very bad,"
answered the tanner. "Do you mind if I check around the place?"asked the
tax man. "Go ahead," invited the owner, "You'll see I have nothing to
hide." (Gard Webster)

Mrs. Taylor, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and
called on Timothy to answer first. "Rome was built at night." was his
answer. "At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her
hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?" "Well," gulped the student,
hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a
day."  (Douglas Helsel) 

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After
looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license
that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts," the woman
replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer.
"You're getting a ticket." (Thorn Shunt)

When Red Murphy was named Coach of the Year, nobody was surprised, for Red
had taken a last-place baseball team and made them into champions in just
one year, and people said he turned more L's into W's than anybody since
Barbara Walters tried to read the 'Luke Luck licks lakes' page in Dr.
Seuss' 'Fox in Socks'. (Brad Jolly)

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 Subject :Just For Kids..
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drjames
R_COOL
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Just For Kids

JUST FOR KIDS

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got sick of the hole business (Yahooligans)

Why was the  cross-eyed teacher fired?
He couldn't control his pupils.  (Stan Kegel)

Why is the  porcupine nervous?
He's always on pins and needles. (Lederer & Ertner)

Where does a judge eat lunch?
At the food court! ( Lindsey, 9)

Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why do prisoners like to eat a lot of sweets?
They are hoping to break out. (Joseph, 12)

Why should you never lie to an x-ray technician?
She can see right through you.  (Mike Bull)

What would happen if you swallowed a frog?
You might croak. (Daily Groaner)

What did one candle say to the other?
"Are you going out tonight?" (Cathlene, 11)

How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea saw! (Amy, 11) .

Why did the girl sit on her watch?
She wanted to be on time! (Tammy, 9)

How do you stop a dinosaur charging?
Take away his credit card (Yahooligans)

Why do elephants never get rich?
Because they work for peanuts! (Toni, 11)

Why can't you keep a clock in jail?
Because time is always running out. (Arnold, 8)

What did one wall say to the other?
"I'll meet you at the corner." (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why did the prisoner take a shower before he broke out of jail?
He wanted to make a clean getaway. (Sidney, 10)

Why did the Sheriff arrest the chicken?
It used fowl language. (Angela, 8)

What did the woman say to the calculator?
"I'm counting on you." (Kid's Jokes)

Why do fairy tales always seem so long?
Because they tend to dragon. (Stan Kegel)

What did the pigeon family do when they wanted to buy a house but  didn't
have enough money?
They put down a deposit. (Lederer & Ertner)

How is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?
He's a stage coach. (Lederer & Ertner)

Why did the kid study in an airplane?
So he could get a higher education (Yosef, 7)

Why did the Sheriff arrest the cook?
For beating the eggs and whipping the cream. (Tommy 9)

Where do cars go swimming?
In a car pool!  (Vanessa, 12)

What room can't a ghost get into?
A living room (Carlos, 9)

How do fish go into business?
They start on a small scale. (Kid's Jokes)

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby?
"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. "  (Jim Ertner)

How do you know if a clock's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.  (Ashley, 10)

When is the moon heaviest?
When it's full!  (William, 10)

How do you learn to work in an ice cream parlour?
You go to sundae  school. (Kid's Jokes)

What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes?
You can't venom all.  (Jim Ertner)

Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
No, they had an apple. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

What is the language of birds?
Pigeon English. (Lederer & Ertner)

Why are saddles so difficult to get along with?
Because they stirrup trouble. (Mighty Funnies: Betty Debnam) 

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major. (Paul Benoit)

How do you stop an elephant from going through the eye of a needle?
Tie a knot in its tail (Lorrie, 8)

How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company?
He was shocked. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why did the man name the dogs guarding his ranch Rolex and Timex.
Because they are  watch dogs?" (Stan Kegel)

Why does a pencil seem heavy when you write with it for a long time?
Because it is full of lead. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

What is the first thing you do in the morning?
You wake up. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they have honeycombs (Yahooligans)

What do you call a single Korean flatfish spirit?
  A sole Seoul sole soul. (Daily Groaner)

Once upon a time Old King Cole issued an order to his cooks. "From now on,"
he decreed, "chopped cabbage must be mixed with mayonnaise." To this day
his decree is known as Cole's Law. (Daily Groaner)

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 Subject :Forever Young.....
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Forever Young...

An old man turned 96 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During
the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing
together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them
in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?", the reporter asked.

"No sir, they all be my young'uns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter.

"What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your
children too?"

"No sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 96 and she being only 19," the
reporter remarked.

"Yes sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me
on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to
put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Oh hell, Sonny" the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I fight 'em."

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 Subject :Still A Gentleman..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Still A Gentleman

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed
away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was
walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty
silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the
lady and asked graciously,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."

The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman
and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they
came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same
presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last
year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you
two questions?"

With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the
ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in
common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so
very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said,
"You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

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 Subject :seems reasonable to me......
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : seems reasonable to me....

There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead traveling through the desert when their car
suddenly stalls. They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that it's not going to
start, they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a bottle of water, the
redhead takes a bag of food with her, and the blonde takes the car door.

They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde
and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies,
"Well, in case I get hungry I'll have something to eat." They all think this is pretty
reasonable and then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she
decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well, in case I got thirsty I'll have
something to drink." They all decide that's a good idea, too.

Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she
would take the car door. She replies, "Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down
the window."

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 Subject :This is the question:..
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drjames
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Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : This is the question:

This is the question:

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Here are some answers:

If a tree falls in the forest...
Catholicism: It fell for our sins.
Judaism: Oy, the tree fell, again?!
Buddhism: There is no tree.
Islam: Islam is not really about knocking over trees.

Fundamentalism: The tree was Evil.
Racism: That kind of tree is always falling.
Plagiarism: That kind of tree is always falling.
Defeatism: All the trees are going to fall.
Pessimism: That is the forest of the fallen tree.
Optimism: Almost all the trees are standing.

Capitalism: Let's sell the wood.
Globalism: Let's sell the wood, half way around the world.
Communism: Let's knock over all the other trees.
Socialism: Let's ask the other trees to fall.
Nepotism: Give the tree to my cousin.
Isolationism: That tree is none of our business, in fact, neither is the forest.

And the one that actually tries to answer the question asked, is...

Quantum Physics: Of course not, by definition.

(c) Copyright 2004 David Lawrence

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 Subject :Almost......
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drjames
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Almost....

A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with
a woman... Almost."

The priest says, "what do you mean 'almost'?"

The man says, "well we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say 5 hail Mary's and put $50.
In the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that you didn't put
any money into the poor box!"

The man replies, "yeah, but I rubbed the $50. On the box, and apparently that's the
same as putting it in!"

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 Subject :Better than John Lewis.....
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drjames
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Better than John Lewis...

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob
suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect!  We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

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 Subject :Announcements On The Tube..
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drjames
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Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Announcements On The Tube

Below are alledgedly genuine announcements made by tubedrivers, on the
London Underground.   Number 4) is worrying and the last one proves
it's not just the London Underground that comes up with crap remarks.

To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
"Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the
passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the
train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take
your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that
is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for
public transport and not a bin on wheels"

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at
Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and she is being removed
from the train.

"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad
news?" "The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit
the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that
none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and
not even a card."

"The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our
destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up
the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we
started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the
man in front or beside you or opposite you." "Let me start you off:
"Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?""

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of
the train are called the doors. Let's try it again, shall we? Please
stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered
into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again,
but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."

And one on an eastbound train from the Tyne and Wear (Newcastle upon
Tyne) Metro, heard by a BT Employee at Pelaw junction after coming off
the Sunderland (Mackem) line:

"That's the last of the b*****d Mackems gone, next stop Heworth."

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 Subject :The Three Stiffs..
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drjames
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : The Three Stiffs

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.


"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

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 Subject :Duh.......
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drjames
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Duh.....

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night
and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God
bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here
that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145
years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

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 Subject :Some More Legal Stuff..
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drjames
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Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Some More Legal Stuff

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions
actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses
given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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 Subject :Every Wonder Why......
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drjames
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Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Every Wonder Why....

Ever Wonder

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they
make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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 Subject :A Test for The Principal..
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drjames
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : A Test for The Principal

The first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade
and I 'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take
the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains
thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The prince opal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does
on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling..

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and
excitement?'

Harry: 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

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 Subject :She told me.......
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drjames
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Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : She told me.....

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which
nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists, etc., ...
and in this case a new Urologist for me.

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a "just out of medical school" female urologist.

I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous... as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......"

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 Subject :The Atheist and the Bear..
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drjames
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : The Atheist and the Bear

The Atheist and the Bear!


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had
created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!",
he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he
could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.

He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and
he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to
pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left
paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my
existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation
to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to
count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly
ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his
head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"

Author Unknown

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 Subject :Always Press 9 for an outside line.....
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drjames
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Always Press 9 for an outside line...

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get
me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique,
a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right  
places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass.  You
know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me
one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.  I'm in  town all alone and what I really
want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.  I'm talking kinky the
whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got  
in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that  
sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.

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 Subject :Quo Vadis?..
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drjames
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Quo Vadis?

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employers
home phone number and was greeted with a child's' whisper.
"Hello"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked
"Yes" whispered the small voice
"May I talk with him?"
"No"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mummy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
"Is anybody else there?"
"Yes, whispered the boy, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter, through the earpiece
on the phone, the boss asked,
"What's that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?!", demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?!!."
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle............
"ME".
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 Subject :Dearest Koos..
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drjames
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Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Dearest Koos

Dearest Koos

I'm writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we
did when you left home. Your pa read in the newspaper that almost all accidents happen
within 20km of home. So we moved.

I can't send you the address, because the last family who  lived here took the house
numbers when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even  has a washing machine. I don't know that it works
so well though. Last  week I put in a load of clothes and pulled the chain. We haven't
seen  them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It rained only twice last week. The first time for four days,
and the second time for three days.

About the coat you wanted me to send you. Your oom Frikkie said it would be too heavy
to send them in the post with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the
pockets.

Piet locked his keys  in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him
two  hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this  morning but I don't know what it is yet, so I don't know
if you are an  aunt or an uncle. I was told that it is almost black. I think she spent
too much time in the sun when she was pregnant, always helping Jonas the farmhand with
the mealies.

Oom Wessels fell into a whisky vat  last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he
fought them off and  drowned. We had him cremated. It took five days to put the fire out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in their oupa's bakkie. I always knew this thing
was dangerous. Janneman was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were on the back..They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of  the normal has happened.

Your favorite aunt Hanna

P.S. I was going to enclose R25 but I already sealed the envelope!

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 Subject :A Passage To India..
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drjames
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Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : A Passage To India

A trip to India
 
In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an
Englishwoman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay
in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster.

She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In
England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water
Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring the facilities about
the WC.
 
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he
knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of
the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
"Wayside Chapel" near the house . . a bathroom never entered their
minds.

So the schoolmaster, with the help of the priest, got together the
following reply:


Dear Madam,
 
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is Located 9 miles
from the house.It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees,
surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and
is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in
the summer months, I suggest you arrive early.There is,however, plenty
of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you
are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you
that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met
her husband.
 
It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was
wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife,sadly, has
been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since
she went,which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to last know
that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer
to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!
 
I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is
an organ accompaniment.

The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be
heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time
a person enters.
 
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel
it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and
seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With Deepest Regards,
 
The Schoolmaster

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 Subject :Doing It By Numbers..
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drjames
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Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Doing It By Numbers

One cold evening at a lonely border and customs post in Ireland 5 guys in an
Audi Quattro are heading south for Christmas.  They are waived down and come
to a stop.  There are two patrolmen and one of them is talking to the driver
of the only other car, parked at the barrier.
BORDER PATROL(to driver) : Good evening, sir.  Is this your Audi ?
DRIVER : Yes, sir.  We're off to Dublin for Christmas.
PATROLMAN : Ah - I'm afraid not, sir.  One of you will have to go back.  Y'see,
your car is a Quattro.  Quattro means four and there's five of yez.  I can only
let four of you through on account of the name of your car.  There's nothing I
can do.  I don't write the rules - I just obey them.
DRIVER : I've never heard of anything so stupid before.  It doesn't make sense!
I want to speak to the senior officer here.  Where is he ?
PATROLMAN : He's over there arguing with them two fellas in the Fiat Uno.
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 Subject :Ask A Silly Question..
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drjames
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Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Ask A Silly Question

Somewhere in Essex a car full of youngsters has crashed into a tree.  No-one is
killed but there are a few walking wounded.  The car reeks of beer and marijuana.
Already the police are on the scene an ambulance paramedic arrives at the same
time as a fire engine.
The paramedic runs over to a girl sitting on the bonnet of the car. She is covered
from head to foot in blood and there are hundreds of pieces of the windscreen in
her hair.  She is crying her eyes and the paramedic tries to comfort her.
He says, "Where are you bleeding from?"
The girl said, "Basildon !"
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 Subject :Dear Bandleader..
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drjames
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Posts: 524
Location: London UK
 
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Dear Bandleader

Dear Bandleader - We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding.
If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs.  If you
could play these at some point during the reception, we'd be grateful.  Any Keith
Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please have it for the full ensemble
and none of the 4/4 songs please. The Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya,"
and please have the guitarist play John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance
Nov.16,1972, at Chrysler Arena.  My wife and I were at that show and we particularly
liked it. If you find it too difficult, you can leave out the feedback. Any of
John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality
is not everyone's cup of tea, but all our guests love high register tenor saxes.
We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly
like the "Infernal Dance - " or whatever it is called, from "The Rite of Spring"
(second version of 1932). If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. We like a
tempo of about quarter note 3D 93 (Ozawa).
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