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 Subject :Blue Cross.....
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Blue Cross...

The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor
said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Jones but tell me, do you still
have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband." She stepped out into the crowded
reception room and yelled out loud:
"Bob, do we still have intercourse?"
And there was such a hush you could hear a pin drop. Bob answered impatiently,
"If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...What we have is

IP Logged
 Subject :Some more Jewish Jokes..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Some more Jewish Jokes

Q: What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois?
A: Two headaches and an erection.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married,
and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.

Q! What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all.

Q: Define "genius"…
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg.

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 560SL convertible.

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll
never forget what she forgave..."

One of life's mysteries - how a 2 lb .. box of chocolates can make a
Jewish woman gain 5 lbs .

The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then they marry him.

A Bar mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize
that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to
play for one.

A pill was developed to increase the sexual desire of Jewish women.
There is only one side effect.
A headache.

IP Logged
 Subject :Hey fellers! I’ve got to tell you!..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Hey fellers! I’ve got to tell you!

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used
to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit
older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me.  Plus I
don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said.  "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a
few inches wider these days!  Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were
cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to sod off.

IP Logged
 Subject :widdle wabbit.....
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : widdle wabbit...

A  precious little girl walks into a pet shop and  asks, in  the sweetest little lisp,
between two missing teeth,  "Excuthe me, mithter,  do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so  that he's on her level
and asks, "Do you want a widdle white  wabbit, or  a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or
maybe one like that cute  widdle bwown  wabbit over there?"  
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands  on her knees, leans forward
and says, in a tiny quiet voice, 
"I  don't think my python weally gives a thit."

IP Logged
 Subject :Fascinating......
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Fascinating....

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw
his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by
Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called
on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can
only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

IP Logged
 Subject :March 2010 zips are now up.....
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : Midi Songs
Topic : March 2010 zips are now up...

It was all rather slow this month. I have taken on a job which is dividing
my time a bit hence a new excuse for a poor output!

My health is looking up though and for this I am very grateful.

Here are the midi files:

A_Lovely_Way_To_Spend_An_Evening_1943_Vs2_s_JPP.MID                      10 KB    28/03/2010
A_Sprig_Of_Shamrock_1908_s_JPP.MID                                       13 KB    14/03/2010
Ages_And_Ages_1920_s_JPP.MID                                             10 KB    01/03/2010
Answer_Saying_That_You_Love_Me_1921_s_JPP.MID                            17 KB    01/03/2010
Chasin_The_Blues_1920_s_JPP.MID                                          17 KB    01/03/2010
Fatima_Brown_1915_s_JPP.MID                                              23 KB    03/03/2010
Hike_To_The_Pike_1904_s_JPP.MID                                          14 KB    10/03/2010
How_Can_You_Forget_1912_s_JPP.MID                                        13 KB    15/03/2010
I_Aint_Gonna_Give_Nobody_None_O_This_Jellyroll_1919_s_JPP.MID            24 KB    03/03/2010
Im_Going_Way_Back_Home_And_Have_A_Wonderful_Time_1916_s_JPP.MID          23 KB    03/03/2010
In_Your_Eyes_1920_s_JPP.MID                                              22 KB    12/03/2010
Let_The_Rest_Of_The_World_Go_By_1919_s_JPP.MID                           17 KB    08/03/2010
Lets_Put_Out_The_Lights_And_Go_To_Sleep_1932_s_JPP.MID                   23 KB    28/03/2010
Little_Girl_Blue_1927_s_JPP.MID                                           8 KB    28/03/2010
Lola_1920_s_JPP.MID                                                       7 KB    18/03/2010
Lovely_To_Look_At_1935_Kern_s_JPP.MID                                    12 KB    28/03/2010
Mairzy_Doats_1943_s_JPP.MID                                               6 KB    28/03/2010
My_Blue_Heaven_1927_s_JPP.MID                                            17 KB    25/03/2010
My_Irish_Maid_1905_s_JPP.MID                                             15 KB    07/03/2010
My_Name_Is_Kelly_1919_s_JPP.MID                                          20 KB    18/03/2010
My_Sing_Song_Girl_1919_s_JPP.MID                                         23 KB    03/03/2010
Namely_You_1956_s_JPP.MID                                                 9 KB    25/03/2010
Never_Raise_A_Razor_Less_You_Want_To_Raise_A_Row_1906_s_JPP.MID          19 KB    07/03/2010
PS_I_Love_You_1934_s_JPP.MID                                             10 KB    25/03/2010
Quando_Quando_Quando_1962_s_JPP.MID                                      13 KB    24/03/2010
Saturday_Night_1944_s_JPP.MID                                            10 KB    22/03/2010
Since_My_Girl_Is_Gone_Ive_Got_The_Blues_1918_s_JPP.MID                   25 KB    06/03/2010
Skylark_1941_Carmichael_s_JPP.MID                                         6 KB    22/03/2010
Some_Other_Time_1945_Bernstein_s_JPP.MID                                  8 KB    22/03/2010
Something_To_Remember_You_By_1930_s_JPP.MID                              10 KB    20/03/2010
Sometimes_Im_Happy_1925_s_JPP.MID                                        19 KB    20/03/2010
Spring_Is_Here_1938_s_JPP.MID                                            11 KB    20/03/2010
Suki_San_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                  14 KB    06/03/2010
Sweet_Siamese_1919_s_JPP.MID                                             19 KB    04/03/2010
Talk_To_The_Animals_1967_s_JPP.MID                                       15 KB    19/03/2010
Ten_Cents_A_Dance_1930_Rogers-Hart_s_JPP.MID                             12 KB    01/03/2010
That_Chiming_Rag_1912_s_JPP.MID                                          14 KB    18/03/2010
That_Tempting_Tango_1914_s_JPP.MID                                       21 KB    04/03/2010
The_Broadway_Blues_1920_s_JPP.MID                                        14 KB    17/03/2010
The_Gypsies_Are_Coming_1914_s_JPP.MID                                     4 KB    05/03/2010
The_Man_That_Got_Away_1954_s_JPP.MID                                     12 KB    27/03/2010
The_More_I_See_You_1945_Vs2_s_JPP.MID                                     8 KB    26/03/2010
The_Rose_Of_No_Mans_Land_1918_s_JPP.MID                                  15 KB    01/03/2010
The_Shamrock_March_1882_s_JPP.MID                                         6 KB    11/03/2010
Three_Leaves_of_Shamrock_1889_s_JPP.MID                                  14 KB    11/03/2010
Tipperary_Nora_1907_s_JPP.MID                                            24 KB    06/03/2010
United_Musician_1915_s_JPP.MID                                           13 KB    05/03/2010
What_A_Wonderful_Girl_You_Are_1920_s_JPP.MID                             14 KB    07/03/2010
When_Alexander_Blues_The_Blues_1920_s_JPP.MID                            21 KB    17/03/2010

and here are the midi-karaoke files:

A_Lovely_Way_To_Spend_An_Evening_1943_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                     12 KB    28/03/2010
A_Sprig_Of_Shamrock_1908_ks_JPP.kar                                      15 KB    14/03/2010
Ages_And_Ages_1920_ks_JPP.kar                                            12 KB    01/03/2010
Answer_Saying_That_You_Love_Me_1921_ks_JPP.kar                           20 KB    01/03/2010
Chasin_The_Blues_1920_ks_JPP.kar                                         21 KB    01/03/2010
Fatima_Brown_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                             27 KB    03/03/2010
How_Can_You_Forget_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                       15 KB    15/03/2010
I_Aint_Gonna_Give_Nobody_None_O_This_Jellyroll_1919_ks_JPP.kar           29 KB    03/03/2010
Im_Going_Way_Back_Home_And_Have_A_Wonderful_Time_1916_ks_JPP.kar         28 KB    03/03/2010
In_Your_Eyes_1920_ks_JPP.kar                                             25 KB    12/03/2010
Let_The_Rest_Of_The_World_Go_By_1919_ks_JPP.kar                          20 KB    08/03/2010
Lets_Put_Out_The_Lights_And_Go_To_Sleep_1932_ks_JPP.kar                  29 KB    28/03/2010
Little_Girl_Blue_1927_ks_JPP.kar                                         10 KB    28/03/2010
Lola_1920_ks_JPP.kar                                                      9 KB    18/03/2010
Lovely_To_Look_At_1935_Kern_ks_JPP.kar                                   15 KB    28/03/2010
Mairzy_Doats_1943_ks_JPP.kar                                              8 KB    28/03/2010
My_Blue_Heaven_1927_ks_JPP.kar                                           21 KB    25/03/2010
My_Irish_Maid_1905_ks_JPP.kar                                            19 KB    07/03/2010
My_Name_Is_Kelly_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                         24 KB    18/03/2010
My_Sing_Song_Girl_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                        26 KB    03/03/2010
Namely_You_1956_ks_JPP.kar                                               10 KB    25/03/2010
Never_Raise_A_Razor_Less_You_Want_To_Raise_A_Row_1906_ks_JPP.kar         23 KB    07/03/2010
PS_I_Love_You_1934_ks_JPP.kar                                            13 KB    25/03/2010
Quando_Quando_Quando_1962_ks_JPP.kar                                     15 KB    24/03/2010
Saturday_Night_1944_ks_JPP.kar                                           12 KB    22/03/2010
Since_My_Girl_Is_Gone_Ive_Got_The_Blues_1918_ks_JPP.kar                  29 KB    06/03/2010
Skylark_1941_Carmichael_ks_JPP.kar                                        8 KB    22/03/2010
Some_Other_Time_1945_Bernstein_ks_JPP.kar                                10 KB    22/03/2010
Something_To_Remember_You_By_1930_ks_JPP.kar                             12 KB    20/03/2010
Sometimes_Im_Happy_1925_ks_JPP.kar                                       22 KB    20/03/2010
Spring_Is_Here_1938_ks_JPP.kar                                           13 KB    20/03/2010
Suki_San_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                 17 KB    06/03/2010
Sweet_Siamese_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                            22 KB    04/03/2010
Talk_To_The_Animals_1967_ks_JPP.kar                                      19 KB    19/03/2010
Ten_Cents_A_Dance_1930_Rogers-Hart_ks_JPP.kar                            15 KB    01/03/2010
That_Chiming_Rag_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                         17 KB    18/03/2010
That_Tempting_Tango_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                      26 KB    04/03/2010
The_Broadway_Blues_1920_ks_JPP.kar                                       16 KB    17/03/2010
The_Man_That_Got_Away_1954_ks_JPP.kar                                    16 KB    27/03/2010
The_More_I_See_You_1945_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                                   10 KB    26/03/2010
The_Rose_Of_No_Mans_Land_1918_ks_JPP.kar                                 18 KB    01/03/2010
Three_Leaves_of_Shamrock_1889_ks_JPP.kar                                 16 KB    11/03/2010
Tipperary_Nora_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                           28 KB    06/03/2010
What_A_Wonderful_Girl_You_Are_1920_ks_JPP.kar                            17 KB    07/03/2010
When_Alexander_Blues_The_Blues_1920_ks_JPP.kar                           25 KB    17/03/2010

IP Logged
 Subject :Re: February 2010 zips are now up.....
Joined: 2009-04-30 18:28:32
Posts: 2
Location: England
Forum : Midi Songs
Topic : February 2010 zips are now up...

Hello, James.

Thanks for all of these thousands of files; they are very much appreciated, and have come to be a unique and comprehensive archive of many songs and melodies, many of which would otherwise fade away into obscurity.

As a long-time mechanical music enthusiast, I've learned that many tunes which are to be found on fairground organs and other mechanical instruments are almost never heard anywhere else. Most of that music was once the equivalent of today's chart-toppers, and was often of a very high quality.

It came as a pleasant surprise to me, several years ago, to find that you have rediscovered many of those tunes and have taken the trouble to represent them on this website, where they have another chance of being discovered by interested persons.

Keep up the good work, as long as your health permits you to do so. It is my hope that the archive will become a lasting monument for future generations to benefit from.

Best regards,


IP Logged
 Subject :February 2010 zips are now up.....
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : Midi Songs
Topic : February 2010 zips are now up...

February 2010 zips are now up...

I'm sorry the bandwidth got exceeded some 4 days before the month was up. Either
I've been more popular than usual or someone has decided to download everything
they can get their hands on several times over - the more likely explanation in
my opinion. However, it's all free and it is there to be downloaded but I will
only pay for so much and then it all stops. Sorry 'bout that! :)

Quite a bit of variety this month. I managed to get to a shop which actually had
sheet music in it, one of those charity shops, this time the Sue Ryder shop at
Burnham-on-Sea. I was away on a long weekend and this was a bit of luck for me.
Also a friend of mine, Miriam Mills, found some excellent bits of music at an Oxfam
shop here in Beckenham. Another reason for the variety.

I have been using music found at The Kirk Indiana Sheet Music Library otherwise.
I know I say this every month but if only I could feel brighter I could get more
done like I used to but I can't complain: The health has been a bit better just

here are the midi-karaoke files:

A_Hundred_Years_From_Now_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                 34 KB    21/02/2010
A_New_Day_1947_ks_JPP.kar                                                 6 KB    02/02/2010
Along_The_Way_To_Waikiki_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                 22 KB    25/02/2010
Beatrice_Fairfax_Tell_Me_What_To_Do_1915_ks_JPP.kar                      25 KB    15/02/2010
Bless_Thou_My_Heart_1952_ks_JPP.kar                                       7 KB    03/02/2010
Butterfly_Wings_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                           8 KB    01/02/2010
Daa_Dee_Dum_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                              22 KB    17/02/2010
Dancing_Down_In_Dixie_Land_1916_ks_JPP.kar                               28 KB    16/02/2010
Dancing_The_Jelly_Roll_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                   23 KB    17/02/2010
Dont_Blame_It_All_On_Broadway_1913_ks_JPP.kar                            28 KB    18/02/2010
Down_In_Monkeyville_1913_ks_JPP.kar                                      25 KB    19/02/2010
Down_On_Old_Havana_Bay_1911_ks_JPP.kar                                   26 KB    18/02/2010
Everything_He_Does_Just_Pleases_Me_1914_ks_JPP.kar                       24 KB    18/02/2010
Everythings_At_Home_Except_Your_Wife_1912_ks_JPP.kar                     15 KB    17/02/2010
Fast_Asleep_In_Poppyland_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                 25 KB    20/02/2010
For_The_Two_Of_Us_1918_ks_JPP.kar                                        22 KB    21/02/2010
Good_Night_Nurse_1912_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                                     20 KB    26/02/2010
How_Is_Everything_By_You_Alright_1914_ks_JPP.kar                         20 KB    20/02/2010
I_Gave_Her_That_1919_Al_Jolson_ks_JPP.kar                                28 KB    14/02/2010
Id_Like_To_Call_You_On_The_Phone_1913_ks_JPP.kar                         25 KB    21/02/2010
Im_Goin_Back_To_Oklahoma_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                 20 KB    26/02/2010
Im_Sorry_I_Made_You_Cry_1918_ks_JPP.kar                                  22 KB    27/02/2010
It_Makes_No_Difference_Whose_Sweetie_You_Were_1918_ks_JPP.kar            44 KB    23/02/2010
Ive_Got_The_Cryin_Blues_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                  20 KB    14/02/2010
Polly_Got_A_Cracker_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                      15 KB    27/02/2010
Slow_And_Easy_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                            20 KB    14/02/2010
Some_Day_My_Heart_Will_Awake_1949_Novello_Vs3_ks_JPP.kar                  9 KB    10/02/2010
Some_Lonesome_Night_1918_ks_JPP.kar                                      26 KB    25/02/2010
Stop_It_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                  22 KB    10/02/2010
Sweetn_Pretty_1918_ks_JPP.kar                                            20 KB    25/02/2010
Ten_Cents_A_Dance_1930_Rogers-Hart_ks_JPP.kar                            15 KB    28/02/2010
That_Lucky_Old_Sun_1949_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                                   12 KB    28/02/2010
The_Brightest_Day_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                         8 KB    03/02/2010
The_Dorothy_Perkins_Rose_1930_ks_JPP.kar                                  9 KB    04/02/2010
The_Ghost_Of_The_Violin_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                  24 KB    20/02/2010
The_Reason_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                               12 KB    03/02/2010
The_Temptation_Blues_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                     32 KB    13/02/2010
The_Things_We_Did_Last_Summer_1946_ks_JPP.kar                            14 KB    28/02/2010
The_World_Is_Waiting_For_Sunrise_1919_ks_JPP.kar                          8 KB    12/02/2010
This_Heart_Of_Mine_1943_Warren_ks_JPP.kar                                11 KB    28/02/2010
Three_Little_Words_1930_ks_JPP.kar                                       21 KB    27/02/2010
Till_The_End_Of_Time_1945_ks_JPP.kar                                     11 KB    10/02/2010
Too_Many_Irons_In_The_Fire_1933_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                           14 KB    10/02/2010
Trade_Winds_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                               8 KB    11/02/2010
When_I_Think_Upon_Thy_Goodness_1962_ks_JPP.kar                            9 KB    04/02/2010
You_Can_Tell_That_Hes_An_American_1918_ks_JPP.kar                        26 KB    25/02/2010
Your_Lips_Are_No_Mans_Land_But_Mine_1918_ks_JPP.kar                      17 KB    25/02/2010

and here are the midi files:

A_Hundred_Years_From_Now_1914_s_JPP.MID                                  29 KB    21/02/2010
A_New_Day_1947_s_JPP.MID                                                  5 KB    02/02/2010
Along_The_Way_To_Waikiki_1917_s_JPP.MID                                  18 KB    25/02/2010
Beatrice_Fairfax_Tell_Me_What_To_Do_1915_s_JPP.MID                       21 KB    15/02/2010
Bless_Thou_My_Heart_1952_s_JPP.MID                                        6 KB    03/02/2010
Burning_The_Keys_1928_s_JPP.MID                                          23 KB    01/02/2010
Butterfly_Wings_1922_s_JPP.MID                                            6 KB    01/02/2010
Cairo_1918_s_JPP.MID                                                     12 KB    15/02/2010
Chicago_Breakdown_1926_s_JPP.MID                                         17 KB    02/02/2010
Daa_Dee_Dum_1919_s_JPP.MID                                               18 KB    17/02/2010
Dancing_Down_In_Dixie_Land_1916_s_JPP.MID                                23 KB    16/02/2010
Dancing_The_Jelly_Roll_1915_s_JPP.MID                                    19 KB    17/02/2010
Dont_Blame_It_All_On_Broadway_1913_s_JPP.MID                             23 KB    18/02/2010
Down_In_Monkeyville_1913_s_JPP.MID                                       21 KB    19/02/2010
Down_On_Old_Havana_Bay_1911_s_JPP.MID                                    21 KB    18/02/2010
Everything_He_Does_Just_Pleases_Me_1914_s_JPP.MID                        19 KB    18/02/2010
Everythings_At_Home_Except_Your_Wife_1912_s_JPP.MID                      12 KB    17/02/2010
Fast_Asleep_In_Poppyland_1919_s_JPP.MID                                  22 KB    20/02/2010
For_The_Two_Of_Us_1918_s_JPP.MID                                         18 KB    21/02/2010
Good_Night_Nurse_1912_Vs2_s_JPP.MID                                      16 KB    26/02/2010
Honey_Bunch_1915_s_JPP.MID                                               14 KB    19/02/2010
How_Is_Everything_By_You_Alright_1914_s_JPP.MID                          17 KB    20/02/2010
I_Gave_Her_That_1919_Al_Jolson_s_JPP.MID                                 24 KB    14/02/2010
Id_Like_To_Call_You_On_The_Phone_1913_s_JPP.MID                          20 KB    21/02/2010
Im_Goin_Back_To_Oklahoma_1912_s_JPP.MID                                  16 KB    26/02/2010
Im_Sorry_I_Made_You_Cry_1918_s_JPP.MID                                   19 KB    27/02/2010
It_Makes_No_Difference_Whose_Sweetie_You_Were_1918_s_JPP.MID             36 KB    22/02/2010
Ive_Got_The_Cryin_Blues_1919_s_JPP.MID                                   17 KB    14/02/2010
Kiss_Of_Spring_1906_s_JPP.MID                                            17 KB    11/02/2010
Moonlight_Breezes_1915_s_JPP.MID                                         13 KB    26/02/2010
Polly_Got_A_Cracker_1912_s_JPP.MID                                       12 KB    27/02/2010
Slow_And_Easy_1919_s_JPP.MID                                             17 KB    14/02/2010
Some_Day_My_Heart_Will_Awake_1949_Novello_Vs3_s_JPP.MID                   7 KB    10/02/2010
Some_Lonesome_Night_1918_s_JPP.MID                                       22 KB    25/02/2010
Stop_It_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                   18 KB    10/02/2010
Sweetn_Pretty_1918_s_JPP.MID                                             17 KB    25/02/2010
Ten_Cents_A_Dance_1930_Rogers-Hart_s_JPP.MID                             12 KB    28/02/2010
That_Lucky_Old_Sun_1949_Vs2_s_JPP.MID                                    10 KB    28/02/2010
The_Brightest_Day_1915_s_JPP.MID                                          7 KB    03/02/2010
The_Dorothy_Perkins_Rose_1930_s_JPP.MID                                   7 KB    04/02/2010
The_Ghost_Of_The_Violin_1912_s_JPP.MID                                   21 KB    20/02/2010
The_Lost_Phase_1907_s_JPP.MID                                            18 KB    11/02/2010
The_Reason_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                10 KB    03/02/2010
The_Temptation_Blues_1919_s_JPP.MID                                      27 KB    13/02/2010
The_Things_We_Did_Last_Summer_1946_s_JPP.MID                             11 KB    28/02/2010
The_World_Is_Waiting_For_Sunrise_1919_s_JPP.MID                           7 KB    12/02/2010
This_Heart_Of_Mine_1943_Warren_s_JPP.MID                                  9 KB    28/02/2010
Three_Little_Words_1930_s_JPP.MID                                        18 KB    27/02/2010
Till_The_End_Of_Time_1945_s_JPP.MID                                       9 KB    10/02/2010
Too_Many_Irons_In_The_Fire_1933_Vs2_s_JPP.MID                            12 KB    10/02/2010
Trade_Winds_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                7 KB    11/02/2010
When_I_Think_Upon_Thy_Goodness_1962_s_JPP.MID                             7 KB    04/02/2010
You_Can_Tell_That_Hes_An_American_1918_s_JPP.MID                         22 KB    25/02/2010
Your_Lips_Are_No_Mans_Land_But_Mine_1918_s_JPP.MID                       14 KB    25/02/2010

IP Logged
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat


A man and his wife moved back home to Ontario, from Florida. The wife had a wooden leg
and to insure it in Florida was $2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Ontario, they went
to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure,
because it cost him $2000.00 in Florida! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple
and said, "Well, here it is on the screen. It says "Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler
system over it, is $39.00.

IP Logged
 Subject :Top Ten Winners of the International Pun Contest..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Top Ten Winners of the International Pun Contest

Top Ten Winners of the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at
him and says, "I'm sorry, sir,only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says: "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says,"I've lost my electron." The other says,
"Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal:
transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out
of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan."

Years later,Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist
shop to raise funds. Since> everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired
Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

IP Logged
 Subject :From the Association Of Retired People..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : From the Association Of Retired People

From the Association Of Retired People

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done
you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can
it be  found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to  Egypt .."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with  short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

IP Logged
 Subject :iPad/iTampon Jokes..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : iPad/iTampon Jokes

iPad/iTampon Jokes

So Apple has 2 Data plans, a Light Flow and a Heavy Flow.

iTampon isn't a laughing matter. I bet if Apple made tampons, women would use them.
They may even play music and act as a GPS.

Does the name make you cringe a little like it does me? Can't help but think iTampon.

The iTampon and the iPad -- taking the menstrual cycle to a whole new level.

iTampon - Bloody good idea.

Wait before buying an iPad, the iTampon will be more discrete and have a string so
you won't lose it!

Wonder if the guys at Apple talked about the name of the product as they walked
along the beach with their moms? iTampon?

oh yes, the iTampon is really going to herald a new period of change.

Will Apple release a (Red) edition of the iPad once a month? iTampon!

Next time you think of a product name Apple, run it past your wives first.iTampon?

If only the #iTampon had a vibrate feature like the iPhone.

The iTampon? So now I can listen to my favorite tunes when its my girls time of month.

Do robots have binary menstrual cycles?

Does the iTampon stop technical cramps?

For those days you can't get out of bed -- iTampon . PS it plays movies too.

I think the iTampon would be rather painful, even though its touchscreen!

How to insert an iTampon?

Heavy flow? There's an app for that! iTampon!

Got your period? There's an app for that. iTampon! ipad!

If your internet is douching, it might need an iTampon.

iTampon -- incase you have a call and your period at the same time?

Uh oh, I think somebody needs to change their Ipad. iTampon!

I heard that for one week out of every month the iPad (iTampon) will be unresponsive
and seem harsh when you touch.

IP Logged
 Subject :Oh dear......
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Oh dear....

I went to a casino last night and was stood next to a guy playing Blackjack
who kept having win after win after win.

I couldn't believe his luck, then I saw he was stood on what looked like a bit of bread.

I asked him, "Mate, what's that under your shoe?"

He said. "Shhh! I'm on a roll."


Q: What has 100 legs and 2 teeth???
A: The front row of a Willie Nelson concert!!

IP Logged
 Subject :Some Physics for you..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Some Physics for you

The Cavendish Nuclear Physics Department of the University of Cambridge has discovered
the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one
neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by
vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons,
it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes
a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange
places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This
characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is
formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that absorbs just
as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

IP Logged
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells
his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people
call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone
says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give
her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!"

IP Logged
 Subject :Dining Out...
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Dining Out.

A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet
for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gibson's restaurant because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and
nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that
they should meet at Gibson's because the food there is very good and the
wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed
that they should meet at Gibson's because they can eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that
they should meet at Gibson's because the restaurant is wheel chair
accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed
that they should meet at Gibson's because that would be a great idea
because they have never been there before .....

IP Logged
 Subject :Your Duck is Dead.......
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Your Duck is Dead.....

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is
dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head..

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.. If you
had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

IP Logged
 Subject :Oh Boy! Another four candles.......
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Oh Boy! Another four candles.....

Believe it or not, but in German the word for *Heretic* (KEtZEr) and
*Candle* (KERZE) are rather similar.

An American theological student while studying in Berlin discovered this
much to his Embarrassment, when he went into a store intending to buy four
candles but instead ordered "four heretics".

The storekeeper, wishing to be helpful, asked, "what do you want them for?"

to which the American theological student enthusiastically responded, "To
burn for Advent!"

IP Logged
 Subject :The Irish Virginity Test..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : The Irish Virginity Test

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his
bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop.  A can
of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'

Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red
and the other one blue.   If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I
ever saw", you smack her with the shovel.'

IP Logged
 Subject :January 2010 zips are now up!..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : Midi Songs
Topic : January 2010 zips are now up!

Quite a difficult month healthwise but in spite of many setbacks I got through quite a bit. Qiuite a bit of Frank Loesser and other Hollywood matter in this month's offerings

Here are the midi karaoke files:

A_Perfect_Kiss_1923_ks_JPP.kar                                           16 KB    01/01/2010
A_Very_Precious_Love_1958_ks_JPP.kar                                     13 KB    28/01/2010
A_Woman_In_Love_1955_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                                       9 KB    11/01/2010
Alarm_Clock_Blues_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                        20 KB    03/01/2010
Dolores_1941_Loesser_ks_JPP.kar                                          11 KB    14/01/2010
God_Remembers_Everything_1935_ks_JPP.kar                                  8 KB    30/01/2010
Hail_Chicago_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                             22 KB    04/01/2010
Hortense_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                                 18 KB    15/01/2010
I_Want_A_Good_Big_Hearted_Man_1920_ks_JPP.kar                            25 KB    07/01/2010
I_Wish_I_Didnt_Love_You_So_1947_Loesser_ks_JPP.kar                       11 KB    13/01/2010
If_Winter_Comes_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                          24 KB    03/01/2010
Ill_Be_With_You_When_The_Clouds_Roll_By_1920_ks_JPP.kar                  27 KB    08/01/2010
Ill_Know_1950_Loesser_ks_JPP.kar                                         13 KB    14/01/2010
Im_Gonna_Float_My_Boat_Right_Back_to_Terre_Haute_1921_ks_JPP.kar         24 KB    04/01/2010
Im_Tickled_To_Death_That_Youre_Irish_1919_ks_JPP.kar                     19 KB    23/01/2010
It_Takes_A_Good_Man_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                      23 KB    05/01/2010
It_Was_June_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                               6 KB    01/01/2010
Ive_Got_A_Girl_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                           22 KB    10/01/2010
Ive_Got_The_Shimmee_Blues_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                20 KB    09/01/2010
Ive_Got_Those_Bonus_Blues_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                20 KB    03/01/2010
Just_A_Little_Word_Spelled_Y-O-U_1914_ks_JPP.kar                         18 KB    15/01/2010
Keep_Your_Eyes_Down_Mary_1920_ks_JPP.kar                                 18 KB    08/01/2010
Me-ow_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                                    19 KB    08/01/2010
More_I_Cannot_Wish_You_1949_Loesser_ks_JPP.kar                            8 KB    11/01/2010
Murder_1920_ks_JPP.kar                                                   14 KB    09/01/2010
Muscle_Shoal_Blues_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                       30 KB    24/01/2010
My_Heart_Is_So_Full_Of_You_1956_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                            7 KB    11/01/2010
My_Old_Hawaiian_Home_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                     13 KB    02/01/2010
My_Sahara_Rose_1920_ks_JPP.kar                                           25 KB    23/01/2010
My_Yokohama_Girl_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                         25 KB    24/01/2010
O_Flower_Divine_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                           9 KB    28/01/2010
On_A_Slow_Boat_To_China_1948_Loesser_ks_JPP.kar                          13 KB    13/01/2010
Patches_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                                  21 KB    23/01/2010
Pony_Maid_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                10 KB    22/01/2010
Someday_Down_In_Carolin_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                  29 KB    09/01/2010
Spring_Will_Be_A_Little_Late_This_Year_1943_Loesser_ks_JPP.kar           12 KB    13/01/2010
Ta-Ta_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                                    24 KB    15/01/2010
The_Brotherhood_Of_Man_1961_ks_JPP.kar                                    9 KB    10/01/2010
The_Japanese_Sandman_1920_ks_JPP.kar                                     26 KB    10/01/2010
The_Last_Little_Mile_Is_The_Longest_1921_ks_JPP.kar                      19 KB    17/01/2010
The_Ragtime_Band_Down_In_Harmony_Hall_1912_ks_JPP.kar                    18 KB    16/01/2010
The_Stars_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                 8 KB    31/01/2010
The_Valley_Of_Laughter_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                   13 KB    29/01/2010
The_Way_You_Look_Tonight_1936_Kern_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                         8 KB    28/01/2010
When_Uncle_Sam_Will_Clear_The_Sea_1919_ks_JPP.kar                        22 KB    23/01/2010
When_Your_Lover_Has_Gone_1931_ks_JPP.kar                                 23 KB    27/01/2010
Whos_Sorry_Now_1923_ks_JPP.kar                                           17 KB    27/01/2010
Without_A_Song_1929_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                                        7 KB    27/01/2010
You_And_The_Night_And_The_Music_1934_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                      15 KB    26/01/2010
You_Are_My_Lucky_Star_1935_ks_JPP.kar                                     7 KB    25/01/2010
You_Oughta_Be_In_Pictures_1934_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                            17 KB    25/01/2010
You_Were_Meant_For_Me_1929_ks_JPP.kar                                    10 KB    25/01/2010
You_Were_Never_Lovelier_1939_Kern_ks_JPP.kar                             11 KB    24/01/2010
Youd_Never_Know_That_Old_Home-Town_Of_Mine_1915_ks_JPP.kar               30 KB    23/01/2010
Youre_A_Million_Miles_From_Nowhere_1919_ks_JPP.kar                       15 KB    18/01/2010
Youre_Just_The_Type_For_A_Bungalow_1921_ks_JPP.kar                       25 KB    17/01/2010
Zing_Went_The_Strings_Of_My_Heart_1935_Vs2_ks_JPP.kar                    16 KB    24/01/2010

and here are the midi files:

A_Perfect_Kiss_1923_s_JPP.MID                                            14 KB    01/01/2010
A_Very_Precious_Love_1958_s_JPP.MID                                      10 KB    28/01/2010
A_Woman_In_Love_1955_Vs2_s_JPP.MID                                        8 KB    11/01/2010
Alarm_Clock_Blues_1921_s_JPP.MID                                         17 KB    03/01/2010
Away_Down_East_In_Maine_1922s_JPP.MID                                    21 KB    22/01/2010
Dolores_1941_Loesser_s_JPP.MID                                            9 KB    14/01/2010
God_Remembers_Everything_1935_s_JPP.MID                                   7 KB    30/01/2010
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I_Want_A_Good_Big_Hearted_Man_1920_s_JPP.MID                             21 KB    07/01/2010
I_Wish_I_Didnt_Love_You_So_1947_Loesser_s_JPP.MID                         9 KB    13/01/2010
If_Winter_Comes_1922_s_JPP.MID                                           20 KB    03/01/2010
Ill_Be_With_You_When_The_Clouds_Roll_By_1920_s_JPP.MID                   23 KB    08/01/2010
Ill_Know_1950_Loesser_s_JPP.MID                                          11 KB    14/01/2010
Im_Gonna_Float_My_Boat_Right_Back_to_Terre_Haute_1921_s_JPP.MID          20 KB    04/01/2010
Im_Tickled_To_Death_That_Youre_Irish_1919_s_JPP.MID                      16 KB    23/01/2010
It_Takes_A_Good_Man_1921_s_JPP.MID                                       19 KB    05/01/2010
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Ive_Got_A_Girl_1921_s_JPP.MID                                            19 KB    10/01/2010
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Ive_Got_Those_Bonus_Blues_1922_s_JPP.MID                                 17 KB    03/01/2010
Just_A_Little_Word_Spelled_Y-O-U_1914_s_JPP.MID                          15 KB    15/01/2010
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King_Cupid_1903_s_JPP.MID                                                16 KB    22/01/2010
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Muscle_Shoal_Blues_1921_s_JPP.MID                                        25 KB    24/01/2010
My_Heart_Is_So_Full_Of_You_1956_Vs2_s_JPP.MID                             6 KB    11/01/2010
My_Old_Hawaiian_Home_1922_s_JPP.MID                                      11 KB    02/01/2010
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On_A_Slow_Boat_To_China_1948_Loesser_s_JPP.MID                           11 KB    13/01/2010
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Youd_Never_Know_That_Old_Home-Town_Of_Mine_1915_s_JPP.MID                25 KB    23/01/2010
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Zing_Went_The_Strings_Of_My_Heart_1935_Vs2_s_JPP.MID                     13 KB    24/01/2010

IP Logged
 Subject :Some thing you just can't eXplain.......
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Some thing you just can't eXplain.....

Some thing you just cant eXplain...

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and
asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try and answer,
"Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the
bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"Try me" the man says.
The farmer relenting, continued
"I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.
Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full
she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Ok so 2 buckets of milk spilled. That still isn't that bad."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
" So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and
continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow
knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset! but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "
Well I didn't have any more rope,
so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down
and my wife walked in.
"Like I said! Some things you just can't explain."

IP Logged
 Subject :Tawdry Tales..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Tawdry Tales

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket,
and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like
them to say?"  
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader,
and a great family man."  

Eugene  commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant
of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Smith climbs to the top of  Mt.   Sinai  to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" 
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny." 
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening,
she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks
her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly
where is Larry's bar?"


John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 
"Give me one last request, dear," he said. 
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said. 
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and

I have to talk to you about it." 
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." 
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" 
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I

spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 
"Take the poison."

IP Logged
 Subject :A statement of the bleedin' obvious......
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : A statement of the bleedin' obvious....

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys:
· One can of beans
· One bag of potato chips
· One pack of burgers
· One tub of ice cream
· One cake
· One yogurt
· One pint of milk
· One carrot
· One loaf of bread

He takes them over to the checkout where the really pretty checkout girl looks at him,
smiles and says,
"You're single, aren't you."
Pleased at the attention he smiles back and says,
"Why yes, how did you know?"
The girl replies: "Because you're one ugly bastard."

IP Logged
 Subject :Halloween Double Entendres.......
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Halloween Double Entendres.....

Things that sound rude on Halloween but aren't
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something
in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and
knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice
pumpkins on her porch.
6. If you just lick it,
it will last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack.
4. Can I eat your zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it
before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!

And the dirtiest sounding but
not-dirty Halloween saying is...

1.He's got candy spread out
on the living room floor!

IP Logged
 Subject :Meddlin'..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Meddlin'

An elderly woman attended an outdoor revival tent meeting. The young
energetic preacher started decrying the evils of pornography. The old woman
waved her hands in the air and urged him on. "Say it, Brother! Tell it like
it is!" she exclaimed. He went on to denounce the evils of gambling.
"Lordy, Yes!" she exclaimed. He berated the sins of alcohol. "Amen,
Hallelujah!" she cried out. Then he started talking about the evil of
chewing tobacco. The old woman jumped to her feet and shouted, "Just a
minute, there, preacher-man! You've crossed the line from preaching and now
you're just meddlin'!"

IP Logged
 Subject :Stocks and Shares..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Stocks and Shares

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling
of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you
since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on
your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may
be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom
today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there.
Be careful.

IP Logged
 Subject :An Alternative Explanation..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : An Alternative Explanation

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That' s a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. Think of it as a
public service.

IP Logged
 Subject :Lovemaking Tips for Seniors..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Lovemaking Tips for Seniors

Lovemaking  Tips for  Seniors

1.  Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is  actually in the  bed..
2.  Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in  the  middle.
3.  Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL  OFF!)
4.  Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before  you  begin.
5.  Write partner's name on your hand in case you  can't  remember.
6.  Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't  end up under the bed.
7.  Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete  the  act.
8.  Make all the noise you want.... the neighbors are  deaf  too.
9.  If it works,  call everyone you know with the  good  news.
10. Don't even think  about trying it  twice.

IP Logged
 Subject :Letters to VIZ magazine..
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : Letters to VIZ magazine

Letters to VIZ magazine

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P
Boddington, Ringway

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and
quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get
their story straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue
serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left
his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa
, Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be
with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she
has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan

* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending
the other one?

IP Logged
 Subject :...with my little axe.......
Joined: 2009-02-26 23:45:46
Posts: 524
Location: London UK
Forum : General Chit Chat
Topic : ...with my little axe.....

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country.  His family had to
use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was always hot in
the summer and cold in the winter, and it stunk all the time.  The outhouse was located on the bank of a creek, and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen.  The little boy decided
that today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek, so he got a
large stick and started pushing.  Finally, the outhouse toppled into the
creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant he was going to get a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered that yes, he had done it.  Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

IP Logged
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